The cashier told me to have a good New Year like my purchase of oven cleaner and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
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Prank Idea For The Ladies:
Swallow a plastic dinosaur, then make an appointment to get an ultrasound.
My husband just started assembling a bookshelf so I guess we’re fighting now.
Your fav movie?
My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itMe: It
When I weakly slam the microwave door, but it doesn’t latch and springs back to smack me in the face… I probably deserved that.
I’m not necessarily saying it’s been a while since I sorted out my spice cupboard, but I have just found some star anise that’s technically eligible to vote.
ppl have to stop making plans with me in advance because the me who agreed to the plans 3 days ago is NOT the same person as the me 30 minutes before the plans are supposed to take place
Kids want to play with the box the toys come out of.
Men want to play with the box the kids come out of.
Cigarettes have warning labels because they are dangerous and addictive yet vaginas are allowed to just roam around freely.
I’m skipping the gym today because I already have a six pack…
waiting for me in the fridge at home.
Sorry I didn’t make mashed potatoes. The potato masher was stopping me from opening the drawer.
Bought the ‘Sounds of the Rainforest’ cd, not as relaxing as I hoped. The 1st half was birds chirping, rest was chainsaws and bulldozers
I’m not afraid of dying. I’m afraid of ending up in a nursing home with a roommate who has Justin Bieber posters and Twilight shirts.
this month’s full moon is in virgo. you know what that means: you shouldn’t be friends with me because i will tell you shit like this
I take off my sports bra like everybody else, dislocating one shoulder at a time.
the holes in my logic are there so it can breathe
The best part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work
The worst part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work.
Dads on here: my kid is such an amazing person. I love them. Moms on here: let me tell you what this little shit stain did today.
if you want your wife to take you seriously, don’t throw your sippy cup during an argument
OPEN UP. THIS IS THE POLICE. THANK YOU. CAN WE USE YOUR BATHROOM
In my experience, people who say “I’m not trying to be difficult,” don’t really seem to be trying all that hard.
NO ONE SAVES MILK YOU MORON
The families in Eggo commercials live in nice houses and appear wealthy. Why are they always fighting over one shitty frozen waffle?
Me: I swear you’ll be the death of me
Murderer: lol
Please, by all means, call my landline. I’ll reply with a postcard attached to a helium balloon
Just heard a woman say, “I never give my dog medicine I haven’t tried first” and her friend responded, “oh, Janet, no.”
Just found a best-by date of Oct 1623 on some apple juice so we probably oughta not drink that
OJ Simpson now has a Twitter Account. I’m sure he’ll kill it here
SIRI: Brian, what goes “blah blah blah, I don’t know anything, please help me”?
ME: Uhh
SIRI: It’s you. That’s what you sound like.
My brother threw a rock at my sister when we were kids. It broke a window, and he blamed her because she ducked.