customer service: so the vacuum works just fine but you want to return it cuz it’s… too loud?
me: [looks over at dog] that is correct
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I’m scared. I just got poked on Facebook.
It’s weird to think there was a time when the most data a tablet could hold was five commandments.
DM from account I don’t follow: “Hi”
Click on account
Follows – 7
Followers – 0
Tweets – 0
Retweets – 0
AVI – Pretty girlMe: Okay, I can work with this.
Dating me is like a walk in the park – Jurassic Park.
BRB- gotta make a man fall in love with me so I can ask him, “would you still love me if I was a lamp?”
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Show him Edna..
[mum stops slicing carrots]
*starts violently gagging until a baby slides out her mouth*
*first date*
Her: I have tattoos but I won’t say where, maybe you’ll need to investigate and find out? 😉
Me: Ah gotcha, I love investigating. *calls her mum*
[blind date]
HER: I’m a big dog person
ME {trying to impress her}: My middle name is Clifford
me: do we have anything for a headache
wife: try the cupboard
me: won’t that get stuck in my throat
You know who inspires me? The 0.01% germ nobody can kill.
Leave ‘em wanting more. That’s what I always
I love the way everyone who uses hand sanitizer looks like they’re hatching some kind of evil plan.
My guy makes beautiful dressers, but he leaves his drawers everywhere
Me: *braids girl’s hair*
Girl: *turns around, terrified*
Me: The movie was boring me…
*leans back in seat*
*eats popcorn*
me: you’ve changed since you go the pfizer vaccine
Jepfpf: no I haven’t
Geopfpf: I think she was talking to me
I’m just saying if she’s into metric then I’d love to meter
Friend: You’re going to be an usher at our wedding. Is that okay?
Me: Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah.
My cat looks at me like “I would have been a god in ancient Egypt, I’ll have you know”.
*seduces you by wearing a sundress
*ruins it by running in flip flops
[repeatedly mashing elevator button]
him: you know that doesn’t make it come any quicker
[starts licking elevator button]
I like to throw a fake punch at a hooker’s crotch. If she flinches, I know it’s a dude.
Pilot intercom: We are currently 30,000 feet in the air.
Me to my wife: No way there are 15,000 people on this plane.
Wife to flight attendant: Are there any other seats available?
I’m so white when I eat sushi they just bring me a fork they don’t even ask
Danny Zuko: I got chills, they’re multiplying…
Sandy: Gross. You probably have a stomach bug.
I play videogames for a few hours and World War 3 breaks out wtf
On the next “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I investigate how there aren’t enough hangers for the clothes we washed when they were on hangers before we wore them.
Wanna live a long life? Get married. I guarantee you’ll change your mind real quick.
Ohh, no thanks. I have seen a baby before
By substituting your morning coffee with green tea, you can reduce up to 94% of what little joy you had left.
I like to refer to my psychiatrist as a “serotonin artist.”