My evil clone:[pointing to me] Shoot HIM, he’s the clone
Friend:[aims at the clone] The REAL Alex would never pass up an opportunity to die
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*walks into Apple store
“SIRI PLAY JUSTEN BIEBER!!”
*walks out of Apple store
‘Lady Doritos’ sounds like something Guy Fieri would call his wife when he’s trying to be romantic
Them: are you sad because you eat or do you eat because you’re sad?
Me: *takes long, slow drag of egg roll* look kid…
walked into a screen door after seeing a bird fly into a glass window, this probably means something, probably something stupid
“Oh shit, I’m supposed to go find them…”
Who?
“The kids. We were playing hide and seek.”
-my husband, about 20 minutes into a conversation he and I were having
So I asked my husband to buy 6 potatoes.
the fbi, studying my kidnapper’s proof of life photo of me, notice a morse code message of mustard stains across the front of my shirt that says: ‘we’re out of mustard’
A spooky dog skeleton would be so confused. He’d be like should I haunt people or should I gnaw on my enticingly exposed bones
Ladies, wonder if he’s busy or ignoring your texts? Offer to send nudes. If he instantly responds, he was totally ignoring you before.
Be right back guys, I just fried up some bacon and have to clean up the mess.
[8 months later]
Ok, I’m back.
You’re not respected until you’ve been led away from a buffet by police.
Things we didnt do
-Start the fire
-Shoot the deputyThings we did do
-Tried to fight it
-Shot the Sheriff
-Built this city on Rock and RollThings we will do
-Survive
-Rock YouThings we wont do
-Get fooled again
-Back Down
-That
-Give You Up
-Let you down
-Desert you
Christmas means giving my brother a $50 gift card, and getting a $50 gift card from my brother.
*my boss going around the room to figure out what employees are most incentivized by
Me: FOREHEAD KISSES
Date Tip: If a date is going well, a series of loud hoots will scare off other suitors
Act happy in the supermarket checkout line to contradict the sad story unfolding on the conveyor belt.
Things I have learned by sliding across the hood of my car:
Either I weigh more than Bo Duke, or they just don’t make em like they used to.
[Being followed on my morning run]
Me: Leave me alone!
Mocking bird: LeAvE mE aLoNe
Kind of sad that the most fragile men in the world are required by law to become pro wrestling referees.
“I think this chlorine is healing my anal fissure.” – Things not to say in a swimming pool. Apparently.
Reverse interview. Here is my answer: “No”
Now, ask me the question
gonna pet so many people’s dogs while they’re distracted looking at the eclipse
I bet Lincoln is looking down like “dude, trust me, that is not a bad night in a theater”
[giving best man speech] can I say something without everybody getting mad
The problem with wearing a reversible shirt is that at some point I want to show off how it works
It’s my potent alchemy of humility and charisma that has you off-kilter. Give yourself a moment to adjust.
2 things lotion won’t let you do when it’s on your hands because it’s evil:
1) escape the bathroom
2) open a beer
[at home]
ac repair guy: yup, the unit can be fixed
me: well..what’s the problem
ac repair guy: just shit in the filter
me: wait..to fix it??
*sees cute girl on sidewalk*
nice
*she makes eye contact*
oh wow
*she smiles*
is this happening
*she’s holding a clipboard*
god dammit
Househunters, but for birds
Bird 1: I’m looking for a spacious nest. Preferably made with shed mammal fur. Open concept.
Bird 2: & I’d really love a nest without snakes so our eggs won’t get eaten. Plus granite countertops
Bird 1: Our budget is a piece of tinfoil & a stick