[sending nudes] I swear it’s not gonna be a photo of my cat
You Might Also Like
I name photos of me stroking animals in files called “Fireworks and big dogs.jpg” so my cats won’t find them on my computer.
MOM STOP LICKING YOUR FINGER TO CLEAN MY FACE I’M IN A GANG NOW
Are designated drivers only for people who drink?? Coz I’ve already dropped my keys twice just walking to my car.
I know Pluto isn’t a planet you moron. Pluto’s a dog.
Flight Attendant: Sir, you need to put your iPhone in airplane mode.
Me: We’ve been cleared for takeoff for twenty minutes. You need to put this airplane in airplane mode.
The baby bites me a lot cuz she’s teething and fine, whatever, but just now she followed it up with some loud air chewing like she thought she was actually eating me and that was appropriate.
waiter: would u like a baked potato, mashed potatoes, or fries with that
me: yes
[courtroom]
Timothy: I was not involved
Victor: Nor was I
Lawyer: You could say it was a Vic-, Tim-less cri-
Judge: You’re all going to jail
The chicken mask stays on during chicken shopping
[animal meeting at the zoo]
Lion: you’re late. We said meet at sunset
Giraffe: I can still see the sun you fucken midget
Oi, Sheeran, I just sang my wife “I’m in love with the shape of you” and her response was “and what shape would THAT be?!”. I’m in so much shit. Thanks for nothing, pal
“Eat right and exercise?!?…
I dunno…seems like some kind of a scam, Doc.”
What do you mean 100 іsn’t a perfect credіt score
“What does the fox say?” Whatever the Rupert Murdoch tells it to.
I’m buying more booze than ever these days. Wonder if I need an intervention. I’d hate to become a shopaholic.
Weighing your giraffe: a guide:
1) Become VERY strong
2) Weigh yourself
3) Weigh yourself again, holding your giraffe
4) Subtract figure one from figure two
My dad lost his job at the cemetery yesterday. He buried someone in the wrong plot. It was a grave mistake.
Hotel staff that insist on turning the toilet paper into a bow.. stop fingering my toilet paper with your dirty hands, Britney.
*Hires life coach*
“Ok, the first thing we have to do is get you off this couch and get you moving!”
*Fires life coach*
Spiderman: *shoots web from wrist*
spider: yeah that way’s fine too
this atm and my therapist need to get together and pick a lane
I’ve had 3 men proclaim their love for me since the Coronavirus hit, so how’s your quarantine going?
When people don’t say thank you for my holding a door open for them, it’s not a big deal. I simply run ahead to the next door they’re about to go through and tightly hold it shut.
[playing with a Ouija board with my dog]
Board: B A L L
Me: I know that’s you moving it! Stop!
Board: T R E A T S
[staff meeting]
“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”
We need a name for our store that shows we’re on the cutting edge of technology.
“How about Radio Shack?”
Perfect.
Of all the bad habits I’ve taught my kids, reassembling Club wrappers so they look like there is still a chocolate biscuit inside is the one that’s come back to bite me the fastest so far.
Me: I need a simple, easy hobby to relax and clear my mind
Also me: I will teach myself metalworking techniques from the Middle Ages
Are you alone? Afraid? Lonely? Then you’d better turn up the TV because I just heard a noise
dumbshit neighbor: is that your dog running around your backyard?
me: no, that’s a fence