I’m sorry…what?
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Haha I love my wife. I just told her to calm down and now she’s in the backyard digging a 6 feet long hole to calm herself down. What a woman!
“Did you just elect a pope in there?” he asked as the vape cloud billowed from her car window.
my main career goal atm is to find a big bag of money in the woods
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m a family of 8.
A shoemaker called yesterday and yelled at me because I hadn’t picked up the boots he repaired. It’s been one week. He said they’ve been there since October. (They haven’t.) I said, “WHY ARE YOU YELLING AT ME?” He said he yelled at all his customers.
I thrive on chaos!
*breaks spaghetti noodles in half*
Do you think it’s possible to train a hedgehog to walk up an down the table with cubes of cheese on it’s spikes? I’m giving a dinner party.
If candy bars can be called cereal bars to make them sound healthy then why can’t alcohol be called cereal drink?
I’m at my most superstitious when there’s no wood in sight so I knock on paper three times. Hey, it’s made from trees and I don’t want to jinx myself.
Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Can you answer a question?
Y E S
What’s the meaning of life?
L O O K B E H I N D Y O U
There’s nothing there.Oh.
I JUST CANT LOOK ITS KILLING ME
Imagine if your dad was a Minotaur and your mom was a Mermaid and you got the human half of both and now you’re just some guy
Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg, and some days you’re the guy who jumped off and hit a propeller on the way down.
Never be afraid to acknowledge your accomplishments
LinkedIn really flies under the radar as the social media platform that’s absolutely the most unhinged
Hubs, “What are we doing tonight?”
Me, “As long as I’m with you I’m happy.”~Watches him watch ESPN on his phone~
Me, “I want a divorce.”
When I was young I was poor. But after decades of hard work, I’m no longer young.
Oh, to be a rat with a pancake
I finally got some me time away from the kids. Two whole hours. It would’ve been longer but my legs went numb crouching behind the dryer.
GF: “Can I be frank?”
Me: “Sure, but I’d be more comfortable if you were a woman.”
My husband just walked in on me drinking cake batter from the mixing bowl and had absolutely no reaction. He’s my soulmate.
black friday is crazy, I just maced a kid then some old woman shot me with a crossbow
3 eggs may not feed my family, but I found 2 boxes of cake mix and Mama ’bout to turn water into wine.
Just saw one of those giant centipedes run though my living room so now I’m gunna sleep with a flamethrower and a full metal jacket.
Repairman: Your refrigerator door came off its hinges from overuse. We are seeing a lot of this lately
Me: *from the couch* Could you bring me a sandwich?
I’m only two people away from having a love triangle.
[yelling at the DJ in a crowded nightclub] DO YOU HAVE THE DUCKTAILS THEME SONG
The horror. The apostrophe’s.
ME: can you believe they are banning plastic straws and you have to bring your own
FRIEND: that sucks
ME: yes one that sucks, that’s how straws work
Did I save this free pizza promo code or did it just save me?