I only wear a scarf on really cold days. I should probably wear some other clothes too.
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Summer break is cool because I won’t be alone for the next 2000 hours of my life but at least I won’t have to pack anyone a lunch.
Me *laying on my couch, flipping through health magazines*, “bet these workouts are a piece of cake.”
Doc this part of my evaluation where it says psychotic, can you change it to madcap?
Alexa doesn’t hear when I ask her a direct question but will hear me mumbling from across the room so I can only assume she’s related to my husband
In hell you’re given 1 child and you have all of eternity to get that child to finish their dinner.
Her: (Sigh) How did you burn the Thanksgiving Turkey?
Me: I followed the directions. 20 minutes a pound at 325 degrees. I weigh 175 pounds!
me: I think I left my phone charger on the plane
flight attendant: are you getting into the life boat or not
For 21 years i wasnt allowed to sit on the arm of my aunties couch, today my auntie gave me that couch. Here are the pictures she recieved
9am: Nice try, Amazon, I’m not falling for the Prime Day BS again.
9:22am: *Reading reviews for commercial soft-serve ice cream makers*
The 5 Most Important Films (and the Life Lessons They Teach)
1. Armageddon (space is scary)
2. Jaws (the ocean is scary)
3. Terminator 2 (the future is scary)
4. My Girl (bees are scary)
5. Weekend at Bernie’s (putting sunglasses on a corpse and taking him jet-skiing is fun!)
If you see a distressed woman in the mall screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
Kermit goes Blue.
Every time I forget to feed my cat, I thank god that I wasn’t a teen mom.
Because that child would not be OK today.
ME: I want a normal night of sleep
MY BRAIN: Right… So, today, you’re gonna sleep from 1 pm ’til 4 pm & again from 9 pm ’til 2 am. Tomorrow, you’re scheduled for 2 hours. The next day is 19 hours which should make up for it but you’ll somehow feel even more tired after. Haha.
My 6 yr old lost a tooth and then finger quoted “tooth fairy” so I just handed him $5 and told him to do whatever he wanted with the tooth
If you run out of coffee while someone is telling you a long story, you should be able to reach out, grab the coffee that person is holding & start drinking it, too.
[montage of me giving-up]
if you want all your cereal boxes and chip bags to look like they were opened by a wild monkey, kids might be for you.
The candy shop door swung open and he strode in. Patrons gasped and clerks hid under the counter. He put a smoke out with the heel of his boot, pulled another from his leather jacket, and gripped it with his yellowed teeth. “Oh my god,” a woman whispered, “it’s the fifth dentist”
Me when dead:
Yay! No more worrying about appearance or keeping fit or any of that crap!Me a second later:
Wait – WHY THE HELL AM I STILL THINKING?
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
Quarantine Day 23: Today the kids and I made shivs…fine, we sharpened pencil crayons for a craft. But by the end of it, I definitely felt like stabbing someone.
imagine you’re on jury duty and the courtroom sketch artist draws stink lines above you
Don’t open your heart to me. I’ll just put peanut butter in there.
her: i saw a shark walking along the beach
me: *flicks cigarette* sharks don’t even have feet, jen
Carefully choosing my grocery check out line based on the back of who’s head I want to beam hate into for the next 15 minutes.
Foreigner: I want to know what love is.
Me: And I want to know why people do weird things like put butter on banana bread.
They said I couldn’t drink or operate machinery on my medication.
But here I am…Driving a forklift…Sipping a beer…Lifting up my boss’s car…