If I were a ghost, I’d spell “antidisestablishmentarianism” on the Ouija board just to waste those idiots’ time.
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There are now more photos of girls in bathroom mirrors than there are of the entire 1940’s.
Me: a calm, methodical Navy SEAL when I clog my own toilet
Also me: a terrified, incapable, frozen idiot when I clog yours
“I want that fable on my desk, AESOP!”
(drops a Cheetoh on the ground)
ants: seize him
Me: omg that’s the saddest hostage video ever
Them: they were singing happy birthday to me
Nature documentarian (weeping): I know it’s against our non-interference policy, but we have to intervene and put this poor creature out of its misery. This is just cruel.
Me (holding 3rd bowl of cereal): What are you people doing in my apartment?
I can’t wait to sleep in
My bladder: lmao
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Nope, payday isn’t until Thursday.
“Son, would you like to go to college some day, or would you like to keep ordering guac? Your choice.”
interviewer: ur biggest weakness?
me: i hate working
Dear Santa,
My ex was very naughty this year. But I was very good. So you can just send me all his presents.
*Takes ex girlfriend’s poem on Antiques Road Show*
Sir these are worthless
*Winks at camera*
Told you Karen!
cop: can you describe the suspect
witness: he was no more than 6 feet
cop: [crossing out spiders] thank god
The saddest thing about the digital age is the next generation won’t have that “nudie mag they found in the woods” experience. #culture
I hate it when I speak French to the homeless guy saying I don’t understand English and he replies in French so I have to give him money.
I’m willing to pay $2 to find out what the future is
My daughter was worried that I would embarrass her on this college tour but that was before I showed everyone how well I could twerk
You know, one day auto correct will completely collapse, and that day will be gloria’s!!
I talk a lot of shit for someone who often searches for their phone when I’m watching something on it.
[first date]
HER: I’m a really big cat person
ME: *leans in really close* You don’t look anything like a cat
boss: where have you been for the past seven days
me: in bed
boss: but i said sleep was for the weak
My son challenged my wife & I to a game of hide-and-seek. We took off for the weekend and left him some food. In your face, loser!
Life Tip: If you get a bunch of tattoos people will never ask you to babysit.
Husband: You don’t have to wear a mask
Me: I’m hoping no one talks to me
Husband: But it’s just us and we are home
Me: *tightening mask*
Is it normal for a cat to get smarter? When Max was a kitten he was really dumb but now he reads at an 8th grade level
If you don’t agree with someone’s religious beliefs, just dance really hard in front of them like they did in Footloose and they’ll absolutely change their minds
No thanks Ice Bar. If anyone wants to get me inside a freezer they’re gonna have to murder me first.
Trix are for kids, but when my favorite rabbit gets together with the Energizer bunny it’s grownup time.
*getting murdered*
WAIT!!!!!!!
*buys new underwear and put them on.*
*flosses*
*sets phone on fire*Okay, proceed.
Her: I like dogs
Me: *dies in 10-13 years*