That f****** terrifying moment when you open your phone with a wet thumb and it starts automatically calling everyone on your contact list.
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*sees sharp scissors, hot glue guns, and simmering office rage*
Maybe team building with arts and crafts wasn’t such a great idea.
Watching Celebrity Jeopardy must be stressful for the people who run the charities. Imagine missing out on $30,000 because Christopher Meloni doesn’t know his state capitals.
Just remember…once annoying family arrives, the only side dish you’ll need is whiskey and a shot glass.
Just saw a broken down food truck AKA A RESTAURANT
I’m so sorry my pet rock attacked you. Its just he really hates arrogant douche bags. Thank god he only hit your face.
I lost a good friend today, he asked me to pick up some non-alcoholic beer.
*makes plans with someone*
(30 seconds later) what have I done
Of all the terrible tweets credited to sausagey-sounding clerics, this one is by Father Wurst.
I have an on again on again relationship with my couch.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: I’d say listening is my biggest weakness.
My period was late this month and my first thought after realizing it was, “I’m too young to be pregnant”.
Let the reader understand; I’m weeks away from 29 and already have two children.
My daughter gave me a coupon book for Mother’s Day and told me to pick one, so I chose the clean your room coupon. She immediately began crying because I was supposed to choose the free hug instead.
Moms be like, “Your cousin’s neighbor’s husband’s aunt died. Just thought you should know.”
Oscillating fans are for people that want to be cool every 5-7 seconds.
Lets all agree,
having your cake and eating it too,
is the same damn thing.
To avoid being eaten by zombies, go to Settings / Home Invasion Settings / Cannibalism / Brains, and then uncheck the “tasty” box.
Changing my name to Shotgun so my friends call me
*leaves toilet seat up at hotel*
[phone buzzes: text from wife]
*slowly puts toilet seat down*
If the final comments of your speech last 45 minutes, please don’t preface them with “and lastly”.
I gave my baby a teething toy so she would stop chewing on my fingers.
She wasn’t interested because it didn’t scream out in pain.
I think the least the government could do right now is cancel calories, do they even understand how much cheese is needed daily to eat one’s feelings
Therapist: You have passive aggressive issues.
Me (under my breath): says the woman who only listens to my troubles because I pay her.
I texted my husband and reminded him that you guys told me a couple of weeks ago that it doesn’t take 6 hours to play 18 holes of golf.
His response, “You can’t believe everything you read on the Internet.”
After how many years should you clean your microwave?
Me: *making a snow angel*
Bartender: …ok, he’s cut off. Get him off the dance floor
If you send me $100, I will send you an audio of me naked saying “Thanks”.
That curb was easily going 30 mph when it hit my car.
“Theirye’re” problem solved
The happiest dog I ever saw was a golden retriever trotting up the street one morning with an entire pizza hanging from his mouth.
It was just before camera phones were widespread. I parked my car and watched him, then continued on to work.
“Real men like a woman with curves” – Fat Chicks