BOSS: in my office, we need to have a chat
ME: ok *sits down and crosses legs*
BOSS: why did you just cross my legs?
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[Police sketch artist job interview]
“How am I not qualified?”
Your resume is a stick figure and a poorly drawn igloo
“It’s a cat actually”
Industrial strength nuclear powered leaf blowers make relocating your neighbors a snap. Just power it up and watch them roll away like human tumbleweeds.
people who dress up for flights who’re you trying to impress? the clouds? the beverage cart? the boy in seat 12B with the perfect almond eyes and the windswept hair with the crooked smile and those perfect freckles peppered across his nose? grow up
Exercised.
Burned 94 calories.
Exercise made me hungry.
Ate 940 calories.
A study was just published that shark attacks happen most often in water. Now I have to worry about the ones that occur elsewhere.
I see ur bio says ‘Medical Intern’. Can you take a look at this *sends DM of mother-in-laws face* n tell me if it’s infected. It is right?
me: “no ill just have it here thanks”
bartender: [looks at my wife then back at me]
wife: “on the rocks means with ice keith”
Your Tinder date welcomes you into their bedroom. They excuse themselves and go to the bathroom, leaving you alone on their bed. What is your next move?
A. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
B. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
C. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
D. All of the above
Love means never having to say you’re sorry.
…so does murder.
[dragging knife across my cheek] you should be so lucky to find my hair in your food
Wendy’s manager: you are very fired
Robert Downey Jr. will always be my hero, not because of Iron Man, but because he broke into someone’s home just to take a nap.
*slowly backs away from you
*down the stairs
*out the door
*along the street
*through the airport
*onto to a plane
*into another country
Back in my day the only time we started panic buying is when the bartender yelled out “last orders” and rang that little bell……
umbrellas are great if you only wanna get wet sideways.
[first day as a dentist] *encounters tongue* huh. this isn’t teeth
Next time you yawn in front of me i’m gonna chuck a peanut m&m down your throat.
Pancake in Spanish is panqueque, which translates back into English as *does raise the roof motion* bread whaaaat whaaaat
A polite way to call someone’s baby ugly is to say “Oh. He looks just like you.”
As ice water runs down my face I conclude, “Boy, you sure like to eat bread!” is not a comment a lady on a dinner date enjoys hearing.
I was raised by wolves
I was then lowered by bearsThey really should only have one species of animal operating these cranes
I only took my daughter to work with me once when she was little.
She cried cos she was expecting to see all the clowns I said I worked with.
Me: Transparency is very important to me.
Ghost: …
Me: *hyperventilating* 911? BEES! … EVERYWHERE! … SEND…HELP!
“Sir we don’t …”
Me: OMG! DON’T YOU HAVE A SWAT TEAM FOR THIS?
Iron Man, Iron Man, does everything an Iron can
Gets real hot on a mat, makes your clothes get really flat
Look out! Here comes the Iron Man
What, tough guy? Come try taking that picture over here, why don’t ya?
Good news: It works the other way around.
I entered “internal bleeding” & “unconscious” in WebMD and it said I have a stuffy nose.
Phew.
[beach]
ME: Sure is beautiful here
HORSE: Yup
ME: Lovely sunset too
HORSE: Uh huh
ME: So…You want a drink?
HORSE: Nice try
My kids continue to fight over the last piece of this dessert, or as I call it, Devil’s Feud Cake.
“please feel free to ignore this email” – respectful, timely communication, probably requesting something that I can handle in a couple minutes
“I need this ASAP” – well you shoulda asked yesterday pal
them: do you promise to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you god?
me: finger quotes sure