I date waitresses so I can ask them if everything is ok when their mouth is full.
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Nothing good can come from a gay man greeting you with an up and down look followed by an “Oh, honey”
me: i don’t know what to order
waiter: the chef’s special?
me: I’m sure he is
I’m so cultured I’m practically yogurt.
I’ve often wondered whether baby deer are left or right handed. Turns out they’re bambidextrous.
Irony is Westboro Baptist Church protesters writing “God Hates Fags” on rainbow colored signs.
dog 911: what’s ur emergency?
dog: I JUST ATE CHOCOLATE
dog 911: OMG WAS IT GOOD?
dog: [whimpering]
dog 911: ok ok. go eat some grass
Ruin a Tolstoy novel by changing 587287 words
Am I supposed to know my own blood type? I don’t even know what types of blood there are
*replies to every political email asking for money with my own email asking for money*
I would seriously recommend whatever that third pill was I just took.
Hate it when I put on active wear and nothing happens.
Sometimes I am proud of my mistakes, sometimes I am ashamed.
My kids: We have NAMES, Dad!
me and my buddies are playing “soup fight”. that’s where we each embody a different vegetable and get in a nice hot tub together. and then we fight
It’s cute that kids think they’re safer with the light on, when actually it makes you more vulnerable and easier to spot.
[War of 1812]
American: Let’s invade the British North.
Other American: Upper or Lower Canada?
A: idgaf
LATER:
DRACULA: I vant to suck your blood.
ME: “Want.”
DRACULA: Vant.
ME: Wan—it’s a W.
DRACULA: Okay, my intent is clear, and the pronunciation is clearly cultural, so, this is starting to feel racist.
It’s nothing serious, we’re not dating or anything, we just sometimes get brunch together, were just Friends with Benedict.
My first crush was a cartoon lion and I often wonder how he’s doing today
Why do football players only dance when good shit happens? Just once I wanna see a QB throw an interception & do a sad, interpretive dance.
just learned from my mom that my brother is contributing so heavily to chocolate milk sales at the local supermarket that they’ve requested to be notified when he leaves for college so that they don’t overstock
I am rebranding my disorganized and cluttered house as a ‘masterclass of maximalism’
I always keep a water spray bottle next to my bed in case a cat burglar breaks in.
OK, THAT’S IT! [angrily slams newspaper down on table] I am DONE with the Family Circus!
“Playing soccer in the cold builds character, son!” I yelled…
…from inside my warm car, because it’s COLD & I already have character.
CHARLIE BROWN: happy holidays!
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wampwahwahwah
CHARLIE BROWN: it’s not a war on Christmas, it’s just respecting people who celebrate other holidays
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wahwahwampwah
CHARLIE BROWN: no, Jesus wasn’t white
Me: It’s easy. Just like a walk in the park.
Her: So, all the while, I’ll be dodging protestors, the homeless, and muggers?
It’s actually pretty rude of you to assume that I know what I’m doing
Hello my name is Morgan and I used to think lingerie was just a fancy way to say laundry
idea for a movie:
a bear who is a parent
captures a psychotherapist
to cook as dinner for the cubs
and the movie is called
(and i’m very very sorry)
“kids, i honeyed the shrink”
ME: Excuse me…Where’s the rowing boat equipment?
EMPLOYEE: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.
ME:
EMPLOYEE:
ME:
EMPLOYEE:
ME: Or you’ll what?