The worst thing about switching from Android to an iPhone is the almond milk.
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Scissors [to Rock]: So you beat me & I beat Paper but how does Paper beat you?
[cut to Paper meeting a hitman] Make it look like an accident
Dear makers of women’s clothing, Pants pockets should be like poetry: DEEP ENOUGH TO BE MEANINGFUL.
*First day as a spy*
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
*flashback to me ringing the doorbell and running away over & over*
Me: Ohhh yeh
Cat: Meow
Me: Meow
Mom: Why do you do that?
Me: Silly, huh?
Mom: No, reckless! Do you even know what you said? What if you told him he’s fat
ugh not again
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: how would i know
Banker: So you need this small business loan to open a Cat Massage Parlor?
Me: Yes!
Banker: I’m confused. Will the cats be GETTING massages or GIVING massages?
Me: Yes!
Them: I’ve got athlete’s foot
Cop: wh-where’s the rest of the body
The theory of evolution has one fatal flaw, and it’s that pandas exist.
No way these buffoons survived before humans other than by miracles and divine intervention
[Prison visit]
Me: I finally have a date for my execution
GF: WHO IS SHE
Movie Studio Chief: We’ve made “Batman.” We’ve made “The Batman.” What’s next?
Me: “The The Batman”?
[new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people have asked]
them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel
[my first cutaway on The Bachelorette] I can eat more roses than any of these guys
[pulled over]
Cop: Sir the reason I stopped you is your license plate is just a piece of paper with numbers written on it
Me: (offers badly drawn $100 bill) Oh you don’t say maybe this will clear everything up
Smashing piñatas blindfolded but it’s just me being outside during the flying insect seasons.
The true irony in Taylor Swift singing about feeling 22 at age 23 is that I want to hit her in the face with a cast iron skillet.
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
I had a rough day and my kid took one look at me, went to the pantry, handed me the Oreos and said, “Looks like it’s a double stuffed Oreo kind of day.”
So anyway, he’s my new therapist.
ME: eat your veggies so you grow up big and strong
SON: *looks me up and down* you didn’t eat your veggies, did you
ME: *under breath* damn, son
Daughters wanted to show support for me so they wrote out, “I LOVE D!” and – adore them – but THAT’S gonna get an immediate course correction
Potato chips bragging about having less fat – I don’t think you understand people who eat you.
Things changed for the better for Harry and Ginny’s marriage once they mastered the difficult “Turgidic Maximus” charm
According to the law it’s not appropriate to put a bounty on my boss. I actually thought it showed great initiative and leadership.
Tried to sneakily put my 5-year-old to bed an hour early because I was exhausted, figuring I could get away with it because it was cloudy and dark outside. Little dude looked me dead in the eye and, “Alexa, what time is it?”
Twitter: Worchest… Worce… Woostishire, haha this word is so hard to spell, am I right?
Also Twitter: GIMME ALL THE SRIRACHA
Thought it was real sweet that my daughter (5) gave me a hug in the store until I realized she was trying to steal my credit card.
ME: I just feel like sometimes you take me for granted.
MY CAT: I literally have no idea who you are.
I hope Obama spends the last 2 years of his term replying to all the tweets we’ve sent him.
Did you know stuffing your bra with toilet paper works pretty well…
except when it rains.
I’ve never wanted a mansion. Not because I’m modest- I just don’t need more places to lose my keys.