Not a single parenting book prepared me for questions like, “Did oranges get their name from the color or did the color get its name from oranges?”
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If you’re wearing slippers in the car, the chances of your child needing you to run in somewhere increase by 500%.
Me: Can I take a peak?
Park ranger: You mean “peek,” right?
Me: *steals the top of a mountain*
when you wake up in the morning after you went there last night planning to break up
you (uneducated, wastes time): *pours half & half into your coffee*
me (math genius, time efficient): *pours 1 into my coffee*
With every wisdom tooth lost, your mouth gets a little stupider.
My teen used the word buoyancy to describe something, so I asked her to spell that, and without missing a beat she said ” Duh Beyoncé “
Apparently Zoom sleepovers are a thing and my 11yo is “going” to one tonight.
Now instead of one household taking one for the team and listening 6 preteen girls all night.
6 households have to listen to 6 preteen girls all night.
Thanks 2020!!!
No, give me the blue mittens for shoveling. The red ones are for scandal.
Read someone say, “just had a Starbucks lemon water with sugar Yumm!”
I never claimed to have an IQ higher than the temperature inside a refrigerator but I believe that’s called lemonade..
I have two dogs, one dominates, the other is a subwoofer.
They should really replace, “I now pronounce you man and wife” with “FINISH HIM!!”
If you scream at the library, everyone gives you funny looks.
If you scream on an airplane, everyone joins in.
Shame on you if you’re still replying “damn” to selfies. Take a creative writing class.
As the cedars outside my window
swayed with the gentle autumn breeze,
I gazed upon your digital image, madam,
And my bowl of spaghetti fell to the floor
As, nearly, did I…
Him: how do you call your loverboy?
Me: C’mere loverboy.
Him: and if he doesn’t answer?
Me: ohhhh loverboy
Him: and if he STILL doesn’t answer?
Me:
Him:
Me: FFS, I walk away cause honestly I don’t have time for games.
My 3yo told me he was going to clean up the mess by punching it and I was like, “Dude, I’ve tried and it doesn’t work.”
I’m the only person breathing through my nose at this Walmart
Caterpillar: no legs wtf how do I get around?
God: *wearing bird mask* BOO
Caterpillar: o000ö
God: haha jk it’s just me
Caterpillar: oOOOö
God: SEE YOU’RE DOING IT
Goku in church: “This Jesus guy sounds really strong. I would have loved to fight against him!”
You might remember me from such productions as Skirt Tucked Into Pantyhose, or, Oh! You Weren’t Waving at Me.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘condescending’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can. Can YOU?
Hannibal Lecter didn’t have to be a serial killer, he was scary enough as a foodie.
TRES leches?! En esta economía?!
You don’t need to buy an expensive exercise machine. Just do what I did and get a bean bag chair.
customer service: so the vacuum works just fine but you want to return it cuz it’s… too loud?
me: [looks over at dog] that is correct
Katy Perry is such an inspiration to all those young girls out there who want to grow up and ride giant golden tigers.
the first person to see a peacock spread his tail probably had a heart attack
I hate when people ask if my newborn is a “good baby” and I have to tell them that he cries a lot and about how he keeps robbing banks
Before you start your artisanal candle business ask yourself: does the world need one more lychee-scented soy candle? Or even one?
My kids are really competing for least favorite today.
DATING TIP: Don’t reply to texts right away or you might look desperate. Just wait. Give it 5, 10, maybe even 15 years. Keep things casual.