My dad did not let me watch Dexter’s Labratory because he said it was unrealistic. “A lab that size would absolutely devastate the foundation of the house” he would say.
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Having ordered a cake from Layer’s I requested they send change for 2000/- (conversation was in Urdu). This is what was delivered!
bringing a sharpie to IKEA and adding more dots to the names of their products
H: “You’re walking funny”
me: I hurt myself in the hot tub
H: “Did you fall in?”
me: …
me: … sure.
There is no App,
To Replace your Lap!Read to your child.
#Mothersday #booklovers
[Breaking up]
It’s not you, I’m just trying to focus more on Batman now.
sugar daddy: I’m gonna spoil you
salt daddy: I’m gonna preserve you
I forgot the term “stylist” so I said “exterior decorator.”
An hourglass timer, but it’s just my 7yo slowly pouring sand from his shoe when we’re running late.
Things changed for the better for Harry and Ginny’s marriage once they mastered the difficult “Turgidic Maximus” charm
Him: You’re on a diet. Why buy all this candy?
Me: Because the alternative is called stealing.
50% of parenting is saying “we’ve got food at home.”
[SEXTING]
ME: tell me what you likeHER: I really get off on exhibitionism
ME: OK, cool, weird that museums turn you on but cool
Best vacation spots:
1. My Bed
2. My Couch
3. That corner spot at the bar
4. Air ducts at work
Broke my ankle at 19 years old and didn’t miss a single day waiting tables. Last week I took 3 days off work because my cat had diarrhea.
Me: you have a bug on your shoulder
Doug: a what?
Me: *clears throat* a boug
ikea instructions make no sense, why would they only give me one allen wrench to cook all these meatballs
My 11yo just told me the assignment is “mandatoryish” so he doesn’t actually NEED to do it.
Server: Congratulations, ma’am
Wife: *confused* Er, thank you. Why?
S: Your husband said you’re eating for two
M: Oh she’s not pregnant
W: I despise you
telling all stories about twitter 2.0
#RIPTwitter #TwitterMigration #twitter2.0 #TwitterIsDead
I live on the edge. I set my coffee on my rounded couch arm.
[Speech Therapy]
Therapist: Repeat after me: I’m thirsty
Dad: I’m…thirsty
T: I’m hungry
D: I’m…H…Hi Hungry, I’m Dad
T: *throws clipboard*
My kids still haven’t started school yet and I can’t wait to get them out of my house I mean get their education started.
“I can be nice or I can be honest.”
Customer care: Your call is important to us, please hold on.
Customer: *completes graduation* *gets a job* *gets married* *gets old* *dies*
With the money I found in the dryer, the girl in me says buy chocolate and candy, but the adult in me says buy beer, chocolate and candy.
Ah to hear the music of the angles!
I washed my antibiotic pills down with a probiotic shake and now I’m back to square one.
[at a wedding]
“So, ya come here often?”
me: i want your honest opinion
friend: [gives honest opinion]
me: [nods… but also mentally drops them 5 spots in my friendship rankings]
Southwest flight attendant told us to fasten our seatbelts because “the captain just saw Top Gun and wants to try something new”