Mufasa: you have forgotten who you are, what is wrong with you?
Simba: you could have appeared any time to tell everyone you were murdered? wtf is wrong with YOU?
Mufasa: this isn’t about me, now go
f i g h t m y b r o t h e r *evaporates*
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God [creating centipedes]: *falls asleep with elbow on the legs button*
I forgot how to eat at a restaurant am I supposed to bring netflix with me or will they have my computer there?
“Dad why’d u name me this?”
I named u after the greatest athlete to ever live
“Oh ok”
Now let’s go, Air Bud, we’re gonna be late for church
“I’m hungover”
– Lame
– Big deal
– Get off the couch“The gods have punished me for my indulgences”
– Oh damn
– That sounds serious
– Shall I prepare a healing poultice?
By allowing my children to play their music & video games loudly, I’m able to get candy out of its wrapper into my mouth unseen.
A chihuahua is just a barking cat.
My kids drop ice cubes on the floor, I dont pick them up anymore, I just wait about 30 minutes so I can lose it when I step in the water spot.
Free advice: Saying “meaty shaft” in a corporate meeting is like saying bomb on an airplane.
Thinking that you’re on speaking terms with God is like finding out you’ve been playing both parts in an episode of “Catfish”
Me when I’m high: I’ll take seven burritos.
Me when I’m not high: I’ll take seven burritos.
There are some people who when they hit rock bottom, they refuse to just lie there…
They just pick up a shovel and started digging.
I’m sorry I said you were cute before I knew your personality
Yes, dust for fingerprints is exactly what I meant when I asked you to dust the living room, Sherlock Holmes.
Lil Brain – Out of Leads
Shopping for chicken breasts at the grocery store
Price: $7.04
“No way”
Price: $6.94
“Now we’re talking”
I hope in my next life I come back as a McChicken so men will look at me lovingly and also settle for me out of desperation
Dang, my 250 million year old salt has expired
BaD BoY!!
Librarian: can I check you out?
Me: sure [spins around]
Librarian: I meant your book
Me: oh yea, that makes way more sense
I couldn’t help but wonder … is Russia trying to help everyone but me?
guy: [stands up at front of plane]
me: “please don’t be overbooked”
guy: [pulls gun] “this plane is now under my control”
me: “oh thank god”
thesaurus had the greatest vocabulary of all the dinosaurs
I don’t always drink iced coffee, but when I do, it’s because my kids prevented me from drinking it hot so I gave up and added some ice.
My kids call to me “Oh Mommmmmy” like I’m Toodles about to bring them a Mouseketool.
Teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime; teach a man to catfish and he can trick some perv in Omaha into sending him rent money.
It’s like my granddad used to say “If you have to ask the question, then you don’t know the answer.”
*enters username*
“USERNAME NOT RECOGNISED”
*creates new account*
*enters username*
“USERNAME ALREADY IN USE”
*sets fire to self*
Hold that thought while I slip into something more comfortable.
*moves to Fiji*
All this “Kaine is boring” talk is your reminder that nowadays Abraham Lincoln would have to know parkour or some shit
This guy must really want to impress me with his endurance skills. Because when I asked if he wanted a ride, he said “No thanks I’ll walk”