I lost an ibuprofen under my dresser a week ago and now I’m worried the spiders are coming after me with no headaches and renewed vigor.
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My memory is pretty bad until I’m pissed off, and then you are in for quite the surprise.
I’ve seen or heard about Batman’s parents’ death so many times I feel like an accessory to murder for not going to the authorities.
*first date*
Her: I have tattoos but I won’t say where, maybe you’ll need to investigate and find out? 😉
Me: Ah gotcha, I love investigating. *calls her mum*
Everyone’s gangsta till you’re waiting on your dog to poop.
Son: How do you always know when we lie? It’s like you’re a psychic or a wizard or something.
Me: The word you’re looking for is “mother.”
You know it’s time for a pedicure when you can exfoliate one foot with the other one
Why can’t your children be like my office voice mail?
Seen but not heard
I assured my wife that I should be left alone to play video games because I had plenty of time to get the dry cleaning and now I’m here and the cleaners decided to close early today for a “family event” and I think I just shouldn’t bother going home and just walk into the ocean.
Petition to allow customer service employees to fight at least one customer per day.
gonna make a dog training school and call it harvard so people who went to harvard always have to say “no the one for people”
Most of my job is making things idiot proof, but they keep making better idiots.
Me: *eating oatmeal in my underwear*
Her: that’s it. I’m leaving
Me: *drinking coffee in my shoe* wh… why?
My kid is practicing his ninja moves, but he’s doing them right on the front lawn where everyone can see, so he might need more training
having children is a pyramid scheme.
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* uh oh
WIFE (points at my google search for “cry orbs with layers”): how the hell do you forget the word “onion”
6 year old: I ate all my lunch today!!
The evidence to the contrary:
I gave her the red cup
Instead of the green
She threw her hands up
Proceeded to scream
I countered with reason
“I’ll fix this for you
Don’t start at a ten
When it’s barely a two”
She narrowed her eyes
Considered me swiftly
Ignored all my reason
And took it to fifty
You know you’re an adult when you’ve injured yourself sleeping
My husband ordered a hearing aid off of Amazon. I’m so screwed you guys.
I ate a cliff bar before bed, now I can’t stop dreaming about hiking
girlfriend: let’s go for a romantic weekend at my parents cabin that was built on a Native American burial ground right next to that abandoned mine shaft where all those people died
me: yeah ok
I need more disguises so Costco doesn’t know I’m eating there for free every day.
My dad, a beekeeper, and my mum, an aviarist: we need to talk
Me: what about
My husband got me a really sweet card for our anniversary. I read the whole way through, and the very last part says “happy birthday” 😂
He was so close.
[Me and coworker going for the last piece of cake]
You’d better ask yourself if you can type with one hand, Nancy from Accounting.
A dog just came up to me to say hello and the owner dragged him off.
Jealousy will get you nowhere, pal.
Tom Cruise still does his own stunts at 55 and I just pulled a muscle reaching for the toilet paper…
My mom is pretty relaxed about earthquakes.