If you want to add more flavor to your toddler’s food just put it on your plate and it becomes instantly irresistible to them follow for more parenting tips
You Might Also Like
Cat 911: What’s your emergency
Cat: I can see the bottom of my food dish
Cat 911: Oh, well just wait patiently and the humans will fill it
Cat:
Cat 911:
Cat: Haha hahaha
Cat 911: hahahha
Cat 911: Seriously though, knock something off the counter
Boss: How ‘bout I dangle a carrot in front of you?
Me *reports him to Human Resources*
Dear student loan, thank you for saving my life. I can’t think how I can ever repay you.
I trick people that I know Spanish by quoting fragments of Spanish songs I know, la bamba.
Dreamed I won the lottery last night – $35 on a scratch ticket. Clearly I have a rich fantasy life lately.
“I’m sure it’ll turn up” – Translation: I’m bored of helping you look.
Me: Do not ‘K’ me again.
Daughter: Que
Me: In any language.
Her: SiThis is why I’m crazy.
My signature move is putting on my reading glasses when I don’t understand what the person in front of me is saying.
I guess I prefer Subway because they make me feel like I’m making the healthy decision when I order a loaf of bread with 18 meatballs on it.
MAYBE PEACH JUST LIKES BOWSER A LOT AND WE’RE FOLLOWING A NARRATIVE OF MARIO THE DELUSIONAL HOMEWRECKER.
*cops pull me from operating room*
I just hit myself in the face with a hanger while putting clothes away. Zero ⭐️s. Do not recommend.
When I play the kazoo, I play to win
Early morning sibling drama: 4 is upset with 6 because he told 4 everyone in the family featured in his fun dream except her because his dream “was limited to those aged 6+.”
Me “Waiter, why is there a live penguin in my soup?”
Waiter “we were worried the other birds would drown.”
I like my men like I like my coffee. Tied up in a burlap sack and dragged through Columbia behind a donkey.
[traffic jam]
MAN: [rolls down window] Dude, why?
ME: [in the next car holding a rabbit as it repeatedly kicks the horn] It’s his birthday
[speed dating session]
Me: I have a good job with benefits. I love movies and hiking. And I’m a cat person.
Her: I love that! *writes her number on a napkin and slides it across to me*
Me: *slowly pushes the napkin off the table*
older women will do that thing you like.
~bake cookies
I’m not like other girls. I am Mothman.
My cousins baby child keeps pointing at me and saying ‘cat’
“Oh, we’re going for a 6 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Then I just need to run & hide your keys.”
-3 year olds
WIFE: why is there a chicken wearing glasses in our living room
ME: he’s my new friend
CHICKEN: *pecks at the floor and his glasses fall off*
ME: oh no where did Cluck Kent go
Imagine your card declining at a bar and they squeeze all the alcohol out of you like a lemon
My child is sniffing a bruise on his arm to figure out how badly it hurts.
People keep asking if they can help me by watching my newborn. She doesn’t make me watch cocomelon, leave toys all over the floor, or scream that her brother is looking at the her. Take the older two.
For lunch today, I think I will have a blistering hot bowl of ice cold soup. Thanks microwave.
having children is a pyramid scheme.
Why is burning a bridge viewed as a bad thing? I mean what if a clown is chasing you?
Forgive me, for I have sinned.
Same time tomorrow?