I looked up “thesaurus” in my thesaurus and it says “Don’t be a smart-ass”.
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[waking up in a ice-filled bathtub with a fresh wound across my abdomen] oh Jesus God no, somebody took my wolves
Librarian: Shhh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: Shh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: *glares at me*
Me: Look lady, I can do this all day.
God, I love Scotland
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
when i don’t respond right away: i’m busy, they’ll understand
when someone takes more than three minutes to respond to me: wow ok judas
The directions to this wedding are in kilometers. I’m either going to be way early or way late.
My wife just pulled me into the other room and I thought she wanted to have a serious talk but she just wanted to give me m&m’s without the kids seeing.
Me: I ran into Aryan, who works at the airport
Dad: who?
Me: I ran into that guy who works at that place
Dad: oh Aryan
ME: we have a problem, karen invited us to a coldplay concert
HER: nice i love coldplay
ME: ok we have two problems
It’s not real love unless you leave your phone in plain sight overnight.
Scientists found there may not be as many benefits to flossing as we thought. Guess none of them have ever been to a party with spinach dip.
I don’t know who this is, but he’s made my day.
Control this is astronaut Douglas sending transmission from the Milky Way..we have no signs of chocolate..or caramel..I’d like to come home
The fact that my nephew told his teacher his Mom is on parole.
She’s on patrol, serving in the National Guard.
Patrol.
i love contactless delivery they just throw the slop at your door and i run out like a little pig
SCARECROW: If I only had a brain
DOROTHY: I just want to get back to Kansas
TOTO: It’s gonna take a lot to drag me away from you
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
Birthday at 21: Takes 12 different shots from 12 different bars.
Birthday at 37: Takes two different pain relievers because I literally hurt myself sleeping.
me: *shaking fortune cookie* will i be smart one day?
Five Guys: thats a peanut.
I was halfway to the state line before I realized the sirens were part of the song that was playing…
[drops phone in toilet]
MY FRIENDS!
It’s called a charm offensive. I’m like the softest baby bunny who doesn’t respect you.
Don’t frighten the programmers!
Me: I can never tell what girls want
Her: Flirt with me. Whisper sexy things in my ear.
Me: Like…in a friend kinda way?
Me: *holding a devil’s food cake*
Satan:
Me:
Satan: Give it back…
So my kid finally stopped falling for the fake throw.
Trump, 2 years into his presidency: “What do you mean we can’t just file for bankruptcy?”
I WISH MY PETS WOULD STOP ACCIDENTALLY INJURING ME WITH THEIR KNIFE HANDS
It’d be ironic if deaf people hung out in heards.
I only do cardio because it’s impossible to stalk someone you can’t keep up with.