me, after making no effort to address a complaint: how about now
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[ER]
Me: I CANT FEEL MY LEGS AM I DYING DOC?
Dr: *loosens my belt*unbuttons my pants*
Me: is this appropriate? *blood returns to legs* oh.
Me: I had a bad upbringing & now I’m worried I’ll be a terrible father
Therapist: how many kids do you have?
Me: like 3 I think
When I die, instead of being cremated or buried, I’d like my body to be thrown out of a tree onto a group of teens
when the waiter comes by to see how the food tastes and I’m not ready
do I regret it, Carol? Hell, I don’t even remember gretting it the first time!
Tried to impress 9 by making up sentences containing 3 of her vocabulary words at once, so now she knows what “nerd” means.
Friend: Are you on social media?
Me, panicked: What’s a Twitter? Never heard of it. Nice foot clothes you’re wearing today.
[concert venue]
Manager: Start the fog machine!
Me: *gulps* Fog?
*hundreds of frogs start falling on crowd
Husband made it clear years ago he has no interest in assembling anything but I really wanted a hammock for the backyard.
Guys, I put it together myself! It was so easy. And it came with all these extra parts!
EVERYONE ELSE: i am terrified of the state of democracy in our nation
ME: digimon is short for digital monsters
*drops exactly one thinly-sliced piece of ham in each child’s Halloween bag*
Imagine the effort it took this dolphin to propose, then the woman he loves does this in front of him? Just awful.
“Its odd how the Church just lets
pedophile’s grant forgiveness”Anyway…thats why I’m not allowed
in Confession anymore.
I can’t wait for Halloween so that I can walk around with a bloody carving knife without being questioned.
NASA has no chill
peppa pig implies the existence of salt pig
me choking on my own saliva for no reason.
*first day as an insurance salesman*
Customer: Can I get a quote?
Me: Sure! “Hold on tight, spider-monkey” 🥰
Customer: …
Me: …
Customer: …
Me: …Edward Cullen 2008.
Otter: [muttering] futkin kiths
friend: how’s the new job?
me: can’t complain
friend: what’s with the beeping collar?
me: *tearing up* can’t complain
Hey electric toothbrush makers-
I don’t think they’re tall enough. One fell over on the counter and only took out four more toothbrushes, two deodorants, a hand soap dispenser, and a scented lotion.
My kids are doing things in Minecraft that are likely serial killer warning signs.
me: here’s your glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
[1st ever peacock to open up his tail]
hey fellas, I dunno what it is, but
i. feel. fantastic.
Before you try to convince me that people aren’t really all that dumb let me point out that TikTok has a “no filter” filter
[at swimming pool]
Me: I remember being 25 years old and doing front flips off the diving board with no problem
EMT: *straps me to gurney* Well sir, you’re not 25 anymore
My friend used to play sports. Then she realized you can buy trophies. Now she’s good at everything.
if ever go missing please only put pictures of me on the news where i look skinny and hot even if that means they won’t find me
People named Rolf be rolling on the laughing floor
TOP 5 USES FOR APPLES:
1. creating sin
2. inventing gravity
3. keeping doctors away
4. shooting off of a child’s head
5. pie