date: I like men who aren’t afraid to take risks
me: [to waiter] horse please
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My best friend is marrying my husband’s best friend. What could possibly go wrong?
*brings cake to bed for an after sex treat*
Me: want a piece?
Her: wrong, whole.
Everyone stop over reacting!
There was no Earthquake….
I slipped in the shower, these things happen…
Sorry to bang on about this but the lack of references to penguins in the Bible is undermining my faith
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss… but you won’t miss.
You’ve trained your whole life for this.
Take the shot.
Kill the moon.
My name is Irving Markowitz.
You took my seafood.
Prepare to die.
KIDNAPPER: *hits me across the face* nobody’s ever gonna find u
[duolingo owl busts through the door and shoots the kidnapper]
ME: holy shit u saved me
OWL: u’ve got more spanish to learn. u’ll die when i say u can die
If it makes any grown women out there feel better, I measured the pockets in my 5 yo’s pants and he can’t fit a phone or wallet in his, either
There’s a police officer trying to get me to roll down my window.
I’m calling the cops.
I can’t think of a single email that have ever found me well.
Rude coworker said something very dumb & mean to me.
She blamed it on pregnancy brain.
I asked her if she was having triplets.
Wiggle is the best of all rooms.
The orcas took down that F-35 fighter jet.
it’s not tv, it’s hbo. but here’s the thing, it’s also not hbo
Her: I heard you like to break the rules
Me: [chewing a mouthful of silica packets] you heard right, babygirl.
I saved a ton of money on a security system by hanging a bunch of shitty wind chimes through out my house.
this chia pet tastes awful
The next time there’s an awkward silence, try whispering, “Did you forget your line?”
My parents think im a virgin. My boss thinks Im an excellent employee. The government thinks Im an outstanding citizen. Where’s my Oscar?
Went to the doctor for my lower back pain and he diagnosed me with being 42.
I tried playing dead to see how my 6 yr old would react… turns out if i die he’ll poke me and go down stairs and eat chips…
Hair color is camouflage. When it turns white, nature’s saying, “this one’s done; go ahead and eat him.”
[hospital burn unit]
doctor: your father will die soon unless one of you can be a tissue donor
me: *pulling used kleenex from my pockets* how many
I just dusted like 4 years ago this is bullshit
“This smoothie is spicy!”
“Ma’am, that’s salsa.”
Never fight a dinosaur, you’ll get Jurasskicked.
It’s so weird that AI applications keep getting forced on us even though they barely work. It’s like if when potato chips hit the market, every bag was half full of pencil shavings.
Never, ever ask a woman if she’s pregnant unless you see an actual baby being born. Even then, act surprised.
[crime scene]
BATMAN: Who the hell are you?
MANBAT: Who the hell are YOU?
BATMAN: I’m Batman. A man who dresses like a bat.
MANBAT: I’m Manbat. A bat who dresses like a man.
[BATBAT arrives]
BATBAT: Who the hell are you two?
Get in the van!
me?…*winks* OK, It will be unpleasant, but worth it- hey! Where are you going?!
*jogs after van*