Cats don’t come with instructions, so how is anyone supposed to know you can’t put them in the washing machine.
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“1-1-9, what’s your non-emergency?”
Caller:
“Just kidding, you dialed it right. Thought you could use a laugh right about now.”
Hey, I may not look like much right now, but believe me, in the morning I’ll look even worse.
I always carry a pocket knife, because I never know when I’ll need to slice open a pocket.
WHY IS USHER ALWAYS SAYING HIS NAME IN HIS SONGS, IS HE A POKEMON?
Pro tip: Sleep and nap with gloves on, so they can’t unlock your iPhone with your fingerprints.
coconuts are mammals. i know this because they are furry, they produce milk, and make excellent companions
Using “whom” incorrectly at a party I wasn’t invited to
You look like the kind of girl who would break my heart.
I have a boyfriend.
See, you’re done it already.
If I sold everything I own I could probably take that $137 and get a fresh start somewhere.
Blew out my flip flop…
I make up for those people who jog in place at red lights by eating snacks while lying down in bed.
Boy, are you a protractor because with all your measured angles and collected numbers you’re such a transparent tool.
IF I HAD A NICKLE EVERY TIME A GOP OFFICIAL CALLED TRUMP’S BEHAVIOR “UNACCEPTABLE” BUT ACCEPTED HIM AS NOMINEE I COULD START A FAKE COLLEGE
THIS SHIT HAS ME DEAD 😭
My daughter has an ice skating date with her boyfriend tonight. So I’ll be the guy skating behind two 12 year olds carrying a shotgun.
A big shout out to my cat for hissing at an empty closet and keeping me in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
[first day in prison]
“I need to speak to management. There is no way I can use this generic bar soap on my face.”
I wasn’t invited to the #MetGala this year so I’m making my own at home
Computer: [down]
Help desk: you’ll need to submit an online ticket
Superman and Batman probably had a lot of “capes in the toilet water” accidents when they went to take a dump.
this husky was supposed to learn how to swim, but discovered that she could just float instead
(jukin media)
I’m upstairs and the food is downstairs. Send help.
Life’s too short to have your shit together.
My wife, showing a childhood photo of herself riding a horse: “This is me when I was little.”
The five-year-old, genuinely shocked: “You were a *horse*?”
I’m the only person breathing through my nose at this Walmart
Me *walks in a perfectly straight line and then smiles at cop* told you I could do it!
Cop: you’re still getting arrested for murder though
if you’re in a bathroom & person in next stall sneezes, do you say bless you or just applaud like normal? need answer fast too late clapping
[god creating raccoons]
Angel: what do I do with all the leftover tiny people hands?
God: hand me those cats.
Boss: What are you doing here on a Saturday??
Me (eating leftovers from fridge): …reports.
I told my husband last night that I have a lot of hobbies but I’m not very good at any of them, “like cooking for example” and this man, whom I have fed every single day for 10 years, had the audacity to respond “but there are other hobbies you are good at.”