I see your IQ test came back negative
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No baby, I’m not dumping you. I’m just rebranding myself as your ex.
I only use shampoo that smells like raspberries so people don’t think it’s weird when I have jam in my hair.
Me, for fun: What do you think you want to be when you grow up? Teacher, engineer, doctor, lawyer…
8, angrily: I have told you many times I WANT TO DELIVER PIZZA.
Me: Well, that’s considerably less stress. And tuition.
Well, my evening plans are ruined
I can understand why chickens wake up and scream
*from his room
8: Hey, nothing went terribly wrong!
8’s friend: No, nothing happened!
8’s other friend: There’s just a little blood!
I’m starting to think some of you are actually on Facebook.
You know we just joke about being Facebook right?
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
TAYLOR SWIFT: Aw here are some band aids
ME: THOSE DON’T FIX BULLETHOLES
TS: *picks up guitar* …brb
ME: I’M STILL DYING
Imagine me with poor grammar. Wrong. Worser.
IRS: hey time to do taxes guess how much you owe
Me: i don’t want to guess can you just tell me
IRS: …
Me: hello?
IRS: i’m thinking of a number between one and jail
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Mars has 2 moons. Venus has no moons. Do you see where I’m getting at? Men, GIVE BACK OUR MOON!
[doctor’s office]
ME: I’m here for my test results
[the vulture perched above his desk shuffles impatiently]
DR: I have some bad news…
This is one of the many reasons that I am chubby
one of the funniest things in the universe is lmfao making an album called “party rock”, followed by an album called “sorry for party rocking”, followed by them vanishing off of the face of the earth
Me: *wakes up from nap, dazed* How long was I asleep?
Husband: Shh. Shh. It’s still 2020. Go back to sleep.
Want air conditioning on the shuttle bus? Open a window, Your Majesty.
[1st person to try jogging]
Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?
Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.
Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!
Interviewer: “What’s your greatest strength?”
*45 minutes later*
Me: “I’m very comfortable with silence.”
Baby Bella mushroom: Where did I come from?
Full of shiitake biology teacher:
Well when umami and udadi who love each other very much…
If you stand in the rain, you’ll grow quicker.
me: I’m quitting, here’s my badge and gun
zookeeper: your what
can’t stop thinking about pink camo as a concept. the lore of where you’d need pink camo to survive the wilderness under cover. I want to go to there.
My salad is dry.
That’s a problem that needs a dressing.
STRANGER: she has a book. cute and smart
ME: [taking a bite of the small layer cake i made to look like a book]
STRANGER: a stunning genius
morpheus wrapping the red pill in a piece of cheese so i’ll take it
Ok guys, I have 28 minutes to kill before I casually need to respond to a text message.
What’s up?
[on my deathbed] everyone’s in here, why are the lights on in the living room?
Demon: This is Hell’s library
-Seems…nice? Just looks like a library.
OPEN ONE!
-Ok *opens* This is in Comic Sans!
*cackles* They all are!
what i mean when i say i’m rolling myself a fat one
who called them sea lions and not soggy doggies