I love when I open my dryer door and money falls out instead of my cat.
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If you’re ever hiking in the woods and you get lost, just look up and find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.
[100 degree summer day]
me: this is so nice, I’ve got the AC running, TV and a pizza
people who love camping: ok, hear me out
moderator: your word is “impatient”
sloth: can you use it
moderator: in a sentence yes “i am growing imp-“
sloth: in a
moderator: you know what close enough *ding*
sloth: oh great thank you
moderator: what the
Wife: Honey, I’m upstairs!
*undresses on the run like Superman*
Be right up!
*stands naked in doorway*
Wife: Do you remember…
Pam: Hi
I turn to my freezer as I fill up an ice cube tray with water. “Hey, can you do me a solid?”
Wife: can u unstack the dishwasher?
Me opening dishwasher, taking out large knife & cutting my hand off: I can’t, there’s been an accident.
i’m having this made into a welcome mat
This video changed my life . I need to know their backstory. I need to know every person in this group.
If I had to vote in the American election based on my gut, I’d choose pizza for president every time.
I used to play the triangle in a reggae band but left because it was just one ting after another.
My 6yo told my husband he was “grounded for eternity,” but my 4yo pointed out that “you have to let him out when he dies so he can go to a cemetery.”
i always see couples holding hands but how do you become part of a couple? do you just leave your hand out and if someone holds it, you’re a couple
[eats all your cotton candy]
Just thinking up snappy comebacks to painful conversations I had 22 years ago. What are YOU doing?
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I was speeding.
Cop: And why were you speeding?
Me: My daughter said that the red car was winning, sir.
Cop: Omg, sorry I intervened. *shoots out red car’s back tire*
If you’re not happy single, you won’t be happy in a relationship. True happiness comes from watching a seagull shoplift snacks from a convenience store, not from another person.
my first dose meeting my second
10:20
10:25
10:21
10:23
10:22– Parallel parking my time machine
My one egret is eating at the aviary. My food had a heron it.
If you’re moving to a new house for a “fresh start,” congratulations your new house is haunted.
My cat keeps stealing my earrings off the dresser.
Jokes on her, all the backs are missing. She’ll never be able to wear them.
I often wish that gravity was a more selective force regarding who it kept on this planet.
Just went outside for 10 mins and the mosquitoes treated me like I was fresh eggs at a continental breakfast
Therapy: Expensive
saying “ew” out loud to anything or anyone that opposes you: Free
[restaurant]
ME: I’m meeting my blind date here.
HOSTESS: Do you have reservations?
ME: Yes, but my friend tells me she’s very nice.
I made the mistake of telling my son he should think of some game ideas we could work on and now he wants to know why the project is behind schedule
[at the club]
Me: …everyone seemed to be just fine with Superman wearing red knee high boots
Her: Just take them off
“Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“I said… Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“Ted?”
“THAT’s what an unanswered text feels like, Sue.”
I picked up a packet of party food (mini pies) in the supermarket and someone next to me said, “ooh, they look good!”
I had no idea what to say in reply so I panicked and said “thanks very much!”
Can’t shop there again.
I hope google does well on my son’s test