“Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“I said… Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“Ted?”
“THAT’s what an unanswered text feels like, Sue.”
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“Shelley’s coming over.”
“Shelley from work or Shelley who was raised by gorillas?”
*gets hit in the face with poop*
I’ve hit rock bottom so many times, I’m building a second home there.
What sort of drug abuse and debauchery has to occur in someone’s life for them to start liking Charmin Toilet Paper on Facebook?
*glances up from GameBoy*
SO ANYWAYS THIS IS THE FIRST DATE I’VE BEEN ON IN A WHILE, HOW ‘BOUT YOU?
Therapist: Have you ever had a job?
Me: I once worked at a zoo
Therapist: Great! And what did you take from that?
Me: Definitely not a penguin
Therapist: what
Me: what
A story that ends with a corpse on the floor is a tragedy. A story that begins with a corpse on the floor is a mystery. A story that begins with a floor on a corpse is The Wizard of Oz.
1997: I Know What You Did Last Summer
1998: I Still Know What You Did Last Summer
2006: I’ll Always Know What You Did Last Summer
2020: Say, Remember That Thing You Did 23 Summers Ago? No? Me Neither. In Fairness, it Was a While Ago. Never Mind. As You Were. Bye.
Psst, hey wake-up, why are there no Oreos in your pantry?
cop: can you describe the intruder?
me: he had a toe ring
cop: he was bare foot?
me: no, he was wearing shoes, but I could just tell
Thoughts and prayers for my starving teens suffering from fridge and pantry blindness
I went for a long walk yesterday and my pants are still tight today. This is not how exercise is supposed to work.
Cool thing about this wind storm is I now own 18 new trash cans..
“Matter cannot be created nor destroyed…”
Then explain to me why my kids can manage to turn a bathtub full of water into four bathtubs of water outside of said tub?
I dropped my phone, is everyone okay?!
I started out with nothing and still have most of it!
Fact.
I’m not saying he ate the candy canes off the bottom of the Christmas tree I’m just saying my dog’s breath was minty fresh this morning.
when relatives at your next get together start talking politics, a fun thing to do is say “yeah it’s just like orwell’s 1984,” and then describe the plot of Twilight
“the immaturity and the copying are my main issues” I say in a whiny voice as my wife storms out of the counsellors office
Bugs Bunny taught me my choices aren’t limited to fight or flight, I can also pretend I’m a pretty lady.
the other day a bartender told me his high school did a performance of RENT where they couldn’t say AIDS so all the characters had diabetes
Broke my New Year’s resolution to exorcise more and now there are poltergeists and demons all over my house.
My eldest nephew is on the spectrum, and his one-liners are iconic.
My mom told him, “I’m disappointed in you.”
He looked at her and replied, “Well, let’s hope you get over that feeling by tomorrow.”
That was 5 days ago. She has yet to provide a proper reply LMFAO
y’all make fun of men without bed frames but guess who physically can’t have monsters under the bed now, huh?
I accidentally texted my husband “last dinner” instead of “late dinner” and now he won’t come home
I started a funeral business with self-driving hearses, but they keep crashing into other cars.
Business is booming.
Husband: *choking on a Dorito*
Me: Wait. When did we get Doritos?
What stage of marriage is it when you’re uncomfortable because they’re being nice to you?
Me: must sleep in the correct position on a mattress with the exact right hardness or suffer for 48 hours
cats:
I’d say a good part of my day is spent trying to convince my dog that we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, or the ice dispenser
[God inventing pain]
God: This is how humans will know they need to heal physically.
Angel: But how will they know if they need emotional healing?
God [inventing Linkin Park]: worry not