Am I…are we… is this a date? *elevator opens & he leaves*
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guy who ruins jokes: what are you cooking
chef: updog
guy who ruins jokes: oh i love that
I had a friend who doesn’t care for sports sit & watch a basketball game & hes quiet for a bit & just barks out: “Yeah I dont think there are that many squeaks. They gotta be pumping em in”
That was over 10 yrs ago I havent watched a single game since without thinking of it
BULLY: lol as if you’ve got a date for prom
ME: uh yes, actually, I have
BULLY: Damn
ME *confidently smooths down shirt* It’s May 23rd. I’ll be going alone
Count your blessings every day. Maybe you’ll have more blessings than Todd in accounting and you can rub them in his stupid face.
I asked 100 women which shampoo they preferred?
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The top ans was
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GET the hell outta of my bathroom!
Artist: I wonder why my back hurts all the time
Artist while drawing:
Pro tip: when you accidentally shrink your son’s favorite game day sweater, look him in the face, lie, and say he must be making huge gains at the gym.
[girl’s night out]
WIFE: I’m off then
ME: Okay
WIFE: Don’t do anything obtuse
ME: Pfft – give me a break!
{5 min later}
ME *googling obtuse*
[we arrive at the Pet Sematary]
Jud: we’ll rest here, but there’s a… a place further on, it’s got power
Me: how much further on
Jud: three miles
Me: *finger guns* no thank you
[I chuck my dead cat into the woods and go home]
Needed 3 tickets to something and my husband bought 4 so he doesn’t have to set next to anyone.
Me: we’re throwing a surprise party for Tim
Wife: don’t you hate Tim?
Me: [filling balloons with bees] yes
If you just hang in there life gets really good by episode 4000
Yes yes your avi is very attractive, but before this goes any further I need to know which streaming services you have passwords to.
Order food
Hear driver
Get into position
Doorbell
Pause for three seconds
Open and act surprised!
Nancy Drew and the mystery of the seven minute stroller nap delaying bedtime by two hours
*walks in house wearing a large neck brace*
oh no, what happened?
“my earbud cord got caught on a chair while I was walking”
When people ask me if my twins are natural I say no they’re robots.
General Lee didn’t have kids?
A parent Lee not.
gentlemen, hear me out
7yo: You know if you didn’t have kids you could turn my room into a tea room.
So now we know her plans after I die.
We installed those slam-proof bumpers on all of our doors. My kids’ fingers are safe, but I have no way of knowing when my wife is mad at me.
If money can’t buy you happiness then you’re in the wrong mall.
Salt can’t be the only delicious rock. There must be other delicious rocks somewhere…
[God making African animals]
Screw it. Just put stripes on a horse, make that water lizard really big, and put spots on a really tall deer.
Seeing my kids getting along, laughing, and peacefully playing together is the best fourteen seconds of my day.
My 8 year old daughter and my teen son are being sweet to me again, all it took was breaking my arm.
The best argument for “the sequel is never as good as the original” is birds v. dinosaurs.
Really, iTunes? You need to update my calculator app? Have there been changes to basic math that I’m unaware of?
My 2yo thinks 5 am is a great time to discuss the mysteries of life.