Me: I’m so fat…
Him: *rolls eyes*
Me: *rolls fat*
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Dinner then: lean protein, fresh vegetables, good carbs
Dinner now: on the rocks
My pregnant friends put me in charge of their gender reveal party
I can’t wait till they pop the balloon & find out they’re having a kraken
[ouija board] hi grandma, i hope your in heaven and i love you
“..y..o..u..’r..e..”
Instead of cars having a warning light that reads “DOOR AJAR”, I think the warning light should say “DOOR’S OPEN, DUMMY.” Then if it’s not shut soon, “YOU’RE GONNA FALL OUT & GET RUN OVER, IDIOT.” Then after a little more time, “NEVER MIND. LEAVE IT OPEN. THIN THE HERD. MORON.”
Underwear…
Because every present needs to be wrapped.
They should use real bears in the Charmin commercials
The bad news is there was a lot of turbulence on my flight this morning. The good news is my phone counted it as steps.
NOW HIRING: An employee
JOB REQUIREMENTS: 96 years experience already working at this job you’re applying for
I’m going to be a printer today and just not work.
Newton’s amended 1st law of motion:
Objects dropped on the floor by teens will remain at rest for months unless acted upon by an angry Mom.
The ocean is over seasoned. Too salty. Zero stars.
… and on the eighth day, Satan created teenagers.
My 4yo just tried to pass the 9 yo’s Mother’s Day card as her own, and while I don’t support lying I do respect the hustle
GF: just FYI, my dad teaches at the Naval Academy
[meeting her parents]
ME: [lifting up shirt] does my belly button look weird to you?
Sometimes when I’m feeling lonely, I head on over to Best Buy and pretend to know nothing about my phone.
Still cracks me up
Be grateful for those who keep your secrets.
That way you don’t have to kill them & go to prison.
8yo me: i wanta be a paleontologist when i grow up
28yo me: (sifting through cat litter) oh look, a quarter!
Today is the first day of the rest of your life and you’ve already screwed it up.
Damn I went from ‘I miss the bird songs’ to ‘all right that’s a lot of chatter for 5 am’ pretty quick
Someone just called for cleanup in the dairy aisle but I’m the only one here so I dropped the jug of milk I was holding and ran
My iPhone does NOT rule my life.
Battery – Don’t worry, Siri. I got this.
They:’What doesn’t kill you..’
Me:’I don’t want to be stronger.’
Mother Paper Bag: We need to talk.
Teen Bag: *removes earbud* What?
M: Your father was plastic.
T: But –
M: It’s true. You’re a mixed bag.
Wife: I’m leaving
Me: I’m not surprised, spending so much time at home has shown how much we live for superficial joys to disguise how sad we are together
Wife: I’m leaving to go to Walmart
Me: ooh get chocolate
Your secret is safeish with me
[date]
HER: ok let’s both say our greatest fear at the same time, 3 2 1
HER: being alone
ME: a clown eating my hotdog
– Boss, we’re out of hands. Should we give the penguins wings?
– We’re short on wings too. Give them this.
– But that’s neither wings nor hands.
– Not our problem.
*inside camp-out tent*
“Wanna hear-”
*puts torch under chin*
“-a scary story?”
*flicks torch on, it vibrates*
“OMG. ITS. NOT. A. TORCH.”
i- i did not expect this