How to become a Saint
1: Become Catholic
2: Live an exemplary and pious life
3: Perform at least two miracles
Or…Just Be Kanye’s baby
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My pet toddler is scratching at the door again.
Cricket: what am I?
God: a bug
Cricket: *flutters wings* do I fly?
God: you sorta jump big
Cricket: *sees bird* is that a bug?
God: nah buddy that’s a bird
Bird: *chirps*
Cricket: *chirps*
God: no stop that
You find my yoga pants distracting…
…would you like me to take them off?
I took my hair out of the messy bun and made it a less messy bun and my husband asked if I was going somewhere.
When people ask your age, respond in Celsius.
Once I saved 10 kittens from a burning building and yes all the people died but look how cute they are
If I were rich, I’d have big soft monogrammed towels for when I bathe at the gas station.
friend got a quirky ouija board rug for her house and now i mainly hang out there waiting for the roomba to summon demons and shit.
You know whats scarier than a bee chasing you because i dont
If your name is Otis you are either an adorable dog or the town drunk there is no in between
Living with downstairs neighbors.. 😅
Customer: can I get some bacon
Me: sure
Customer: can you make it fatty
Me: *holding back tears* bacon isn’t that hard to make
Better names for porcupines:
Needle Beaver
Battlepig
Hurty Squirrel
Flail Monster
Cactus Rat
Capy-scare-uh
Death otter
Revenge Possum
Kid just asked “why is it called ‘flipping the bird’? Why not turtle? Flipping the Turtle.” I can’t even answer that bc WHY NOT TURTLE?!
When you msg me @ 9:30am w/ just “Morning,” don’t be shocked when I wait till 12:00pm & respond w/ “Noon.”
Seriously, what did ya expect?
Trix are for kids, but when my favorite rabbit gets together with the Energizer bunny it’s grownup time.
No matter how handsome/beautiful you are, your passport picture or ID card will always find ways to humble you
Took a bunch of ibuprofen to keep my tweets from being too inflammatory
getting a rib removed so i can suck my own rib
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance”
-Alcohol
Q: What kind of dinosaur loves sleep?
A: All of them! They will never wake up now.
I’ve cleaned the entire house so no one is allowed to live here anymore.
Me: *body contorted into the most uncomfortable position known to humankind*
Every fitness instructor ever: Keep your core tight.
Me: It’s so nice to be wearing a shirt that fits and isn’t stained.
Toothpaste: Hi
Gyms closed. So this summer gone be about personality.
searching for people who think cologne is spelled colon is my favorite thing to do
Ideas for getting more exercise:
– Move the biscuits farther away
– Buy a heavier kettle
[velociraptor sneaks up on me as I aim my gun]
me: clever girl
velociraptor: what
me: …clever girl
velociraptor: I’m 26
me: sorry I-
velociraptor: looks like I’m not the only dinosaur here
[talking to bouncer]
Me:let me in
Bouncer: not after last time
Me:would a Washington convince you?
Bouncer: no
George Washington: c’mon man
STOP HITTING ON MY TWITTER CRUSH YOU… YOU… EQUALLY UNKNOWN INTERNET DUDE!