[philosophy class]
PROFESSOR: u must question everything
[later]
ME: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have u been doing all day?!
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Girl you are his 9th twitter girlfriend in 2 years, he’s not your soulmate.
Cop: Admit it! You killed that family
Murderer: You can’t prove anything…
Cop: You know, you’re actually called “Murderer” in this thing
My 2yo said she is a grown up. I told her she isn’t, that she is a toddler. She replied, “No, I’m a grown up. I’m going to touch knives.”
Why does body wash have directions, it’s literally the name
I got a 20% pay rise this year. Not from my employer; they couldn’t afford to give pay rises after the big bosses got their bonuses. I just stopped doing any work on the one day a week I work from home.
Me: *grimacing* Something stinks. Where’s that smell coming from?
Friend: My oven.
I hate to choose sides, but if forced, I’ll aggressively side with the person paying my bar tab.
One day she says “Treat me like a princess,” the next she’s pissed that I married her off in exchange for an alliance with Spain. Women…
*dumps more fleas on my head*
*sits back down in front of chimpanzee*
So, anyway, like I was saying…
Me: …so anyway, the doctor said I might be lactose intolerant
Mom: *hysterical crying*
Dad: you’re a disgrace to the State of Wisconsin. Don’t come home for Thanksgiving. *slams down phone*
I don’t know why they are called smart phones, I dropped mine in the toilet and it didn’t even try to get out.
[date shouting over music on the dance floor]:
WHY ARE YOU HOLDING TWO CORN DOGS?
Me: BECAUSE I NEVER KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH MY HANDS!
psychic: [sees guy in crowd w/ a pony tail] Sir did u know a Chad?
“yes”
From karate?
“YES”
Chad wants u to know he’s ok
*guy starts crying*
Hub: You ready to go?
Me: In a minute, I’m beating the kids.
[Cut to me just decimating the kids at Mario Kart]
(Musicians.)
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I don’t even know why I exist.
why are they called stepfathers and not faux pas
THE CAST OF “CATS” AS MEDIEVAL CAT PAINTINGS: A THREAD
REASONS TO KEEP A WRITER IN YOUR HOME
• they know weird facts
• they’re low maintenance because all they do is eat and write
• great for midnight chats because they don’t sleep
• if they have to edit they’ll procrastinate by cleaning your whole house
How did they call Deadpool’s dog ‘Dogpool’ when ‘Deadpoodle’ was right there.
I talk dirtier in traffic than I do during sex.
Peeing in the dark like some kind of pilgrim because you’re at someone else’s house and can’t find the light switch
*brings empty Cheetos bag to the pharmacy for a refill*
him: hands up, this is a robbery!
me *looks around* it’s actually a bank
Is professional slap fighting still a thing or is all that training I went through being a little brother still useless?
Whenever someone says they have “a thing” for me, I secretly hope it’s a pony.
There’s an app for the people who say they’re not seeking some form of validation here. It’s called a diary.
spiraling out of control, anyone need anything?
Let’s talk about the elephant in the room.
Elephant: I can hear you, you know.
Here, let me loosen those morals for you.