Randomly print things to give your co-workers the impression you’re working.
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“turn right at the corner donut shop, then left at the pink cake place, your destination is on your right beside the surprisingly good vegan bakery*
[me as a GPS]
Paramedic: What happened?
Me: [lying in pool of blood] I told my girlfriend she was turning into her mother and she stabbed me.
Paramedic: They all turn into their moth– *also gets stabbed*
Anyone who thinks things have got so bad that they can only get better is showing a remarkable lack of imagination.
I put my height in my tinder bio and 6 men unmatched with me…..i’m gonna break into y’alls houses and put all the remotes on top of the fridge
only writing recipes in wordart from now on
I could never be in the mob.
The only gun I like is a glue gun. Is there a crafting mafia?
Maybe I’ll start one.
*blows glitter in your eye*
Never go against the family.
When a movie has an exorcist, some demons are in for a bad time, but not at first.
No problem, 3 people is my maximum anyway
employee: should I restock the vegetables
manager: why aren’t you using the time-saving code words from my training
employee: fine, should I *air quote fingers* reproduce
I don’t care if he’s famous or not, what the Headless Horseman is doing is illegal
“New Year, New Me” gets easier every year cause I keep setting the bar lower and lower
That’s me, I’m the coroner,
That’s me with the sharp knife,
Removing all your organs.
Me: [returning organic fertilizer] I don’t need this shit.
Getting all my breaking news from Tinder these days.
me: I won two tix in the car on the way home today!
husband: cool, what for?
me: Speeding and Failure To Maintain A Lane.
I hate it when my wife wakes me up at the crack of dawn just to tell me my alarm woke her up.
14 is giving me a lecture about one of his video games. Pretty sure I’m gonna fail. His lectures are long, boring, make no sense, and I don’t see how I’ll ever use this in the real world.
I found the perfect sign for my ‘horse haters’ club
So maybe downloading the ruler app to measure the snow wasn’t such a great idea
Crazy how they’re still wasting money on sleep research, when we all already know that the necessary sleep time is five minutes more.
“If you could be anyone, living or dead, who…”
Me – “dead”
Sometimes I need “Eye of the Tiger” playing to get me to leave my bed.
Brain: He mentioned marriage again. You know what to do.
*sets phone on fire*
Be your mom’s favorite by not having to make her count to three.
So tell me, which of my chins is your favorite?
Me: Time for bed
7: But can we watch Back to the Future?
Me: No
7: Empire Strikes Back?
Me: No
7: Karate Kid?
Me: I see what you’re doing and I respect it but the answer’s still no
You want me to turn around. The thing that led to a total eclipse of the heart
Husband: *opens jar of salsa*
Me: That looks like my period
I woke up hoping for an easy morning, then my 3 year old came downstairs and informed me that she wasn’t planning on using her hands today. This should be fun.
Coworker: Do you have good taste in music?
Me: I can only taste things I put in my mouth
Both of us thinking: I work with an idiot