Sub the word ‘hostage’ for the word ‘parent’ at your child’s next activity to spice up the conversations with all the other hostages.
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Girlfriend: hey babe you wanna get breakfast and go for a run?
(Cut to me with a mouth full of Doritos)
Me: I have shin splints
me, a police sketch artist: is this him?
witness: did… did you glue macaroni on the paper?
Life advice: If someone ever tells you “I’ll be there in thirty minutes”, you should ALWAYS respond with “You’ve got twenty” and hang up.
hoping nobody noticed you peed in the pool like
Women’s time is different. My brother and I are still waiting for my mom to come out of the grocery store when she said it would be 30 minutes. That was 1986
All this data mining and Facebook still can’t tell me what to get my wife for her birthday.
Me: hey girl r u an earthquake
Her: aw bc I rock ur world?
Me: no bc your unpredictability threatens the entire foundation of my existence
Super Hand Dog Face
*eats nothing but junk food for 3 weeks straight*
OMG is bellyache a symptom?!
Revenge is never the answer, but sometimes drawing wrinkles on their voodoo doll just feels right
I don’t want kids for the simple reason that math has changed and I won’t be able to help with their homework
Life can only give you lemons if you answer the door.
HIM: If you’re upset that people think you’re weird, have you tried being less weird?
ME: [eating ice cream with chopsticks] Yes.
My grandparents just gave me a mint condition GameCube as a surprise because they know I love video games. They think it’s new 😂🥺
Took an edible and got so nervous on this flight that I started petting someone else’s service dog.
For my birthday all I want is for folks to strengthen friendships with old friends cus I’ve lost quite a few in the last few years and that saddens me. Also maybe a Camaro.
Turns out when society collapses, every single person has the exact same instinct and it is to bake bread
Guys: when you’re shaving, do the Hitler part first. You don’t want to get interrupted and then be running around with just the Hitler part.
[Shipwreck diary]
Day 1: Luckily the ship has enough food for 3 months. Longer if I ration well.
Day 2: I am out of food.
I never try to make guests feel at home. If they wanted to feel at home, they should have stayed there.
Priest: look son, I think you should kick the habit
Me: ok
*nun screams*
Alcohol won’t solve my problems, but neither will milk or orange juice.
No, please continue to talk loudly on the phone, smoke & spit next to my table. No problem! I’m just going to follow you home and kill you.
Marriage is funny. I say potato and my husband says what’s with the credit card bill.
I get it roosters, I scream when I wake up in the morning too
99% of the time I have zero understanding of how people are using “iykyk”. “Eating some ice cream iykyk.” Well I certainly thought I knew about ice cream. I thought *everybody* knew about ice cream
You should be my grillfriend. Not a typo, girl. You’re hot enough to cook meat on.
“Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” – crickets (translated)