Nurse: I’ve never seen anything like it
Me: I’m not surprised
Doctor: You’re the first patient I’ve had with a blood type of *checks chart* chocolate milk
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Groundhog is like regular hog except it’s easier to make burgers out of it.
My ex once told me not to psychoanalyze him but he left me for a psychologist and I think about this a lot
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
[slams a leaf blower down on the counter at Home Depot] this hairdryer is too dangerous
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
Me asking everyone how they like their burger before I cook them all exactly the same
One job requirement for a substitute bus driver is being able to navigate with directions given by 4th graders.
I couldn’t believe it that my child seemed to be more receptive than normal when I asked her what she did at school yesterday. Happy to be asked even. Then she said.
“Things. We did things”
My father used to locate and deactivate land mines for a living. I wish to follow in his footsteps. His EXACT footsteps.
I may be 37, but I feel 25…when I look at my finances:
corn maze employee: you can’t smoke in here
me: [flicking lighter] stand back, i’m popping my way out
I get more offended when my dog doesn’t say hi when I get home than if my kids don’t acknowledge my presence.
Parents: When you finish the chores will you please look for a job.
Me: [painting the cat’s claws] Still a lot to do unfortunately.
my kid learned what money was today at 9 am and by noon he was ready to stab me over 27 cents
A timely reminder before St. Patrick’s Day. #PaddynotPatty
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Probably my communication skills.
Engineer: A short circuit in the deer’s nose could cause it to glow red hot. Yes, it’s dangerous.
But should we recall, the most famous reindeer of all?
Sometimes I lay in bed awake at night thinking, how did Skeletor from He-Man speak perfectly without lips or a tongue
ME: They call me Mr Universe
DATE: You workout?
ME: I’m constantly expanding
Sometimes after a long hard day at work, it takes me 4 bars to get home
ME: [introducing my brother’s daughter whose name I’ve forgotten]
This is niece.
Sent out a mass text invite to my pity party & Autocorrect turned it into a pita party. Now I’m eating hummus with people I don’t even like.
—Never bring a knife to a gun fight.
—I have to bring a gift to this thing? I barely know these people.
Teaching your kids to question everything is important. Until you’re sitting there banging your head on the table.
Hooking up with your ex is a great way to reassure yourself that dying alone wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world.
Remember kids, those light up sneakers won’t seem so cool when wolves are chasing you through the woods at night.
[Lab]
Chief scientist:What the hell are you wearing?!
Me (Dressed as Liberace): I thought you said we’d be mapping the genome in sequins
He raised an eyebrow, put his hand down and with one eye on the table, looked expressionless.
Never play poker against Mr Potato Head.
With every passing day the gap between being a negligent cook and being an arsonist gets a little smaller. Soon I should be able to take out a whole block with a strategic “trying this new egg recipe.”
I’m at that age where I can no longer refer to other people as “elderly.”