Just found out that “April fools” is not a valid defense in a court of law
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“I have a pleasure room, would you like to see it?”
Him: “…That’s a refrigerator”
My Grandpa: killed 17 Nazis and singlehandedly saved his entire battalion in WWII
Me: Sits around all day making up stories about my Grandpa
The child: (hearing someone get mad) you say that word sometimes, Mommy.
Me: What word?
The child: Funking.
Me: No, honey, I don’t ever say funking.
The man next to me has cologne so strong that I’m dizzy with hallucinations, plus all those mushrooms I took.
“sir can you describe the stingray that attacked you?”
yes it was like a weird pancake
I’m walking on sunshine, AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH and I’m startin’ to feel
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH THIS IS TERRIBLE
date: I like to try new foods
me: then you’re gonna love this place *motioning to waiter* NEWER CHIPS AND SALSA, GOOD SIR
The entire premise of Scooby Doo was if you’re scary enough people will leave you the hell alone to pursue your passion. It’s been a guiding principle of my adult life.
Friend: Our backstories shape us, but don’t define us
Me: Like Spanx
Warning to ppl who drink & drive, yday while driving, frnd took his arm out to indicate right turn & someone took his beer.
Rascals! #txt
Interviewer: It says here you’re interested in waterfowl genealogy.
Me: I became fascinated with the subject when I noticed that both Daffy Duck and Donald Duck share the same family name and both their names begin with D.
Interviewer:
Me: And neither wears pants
son: and this one?
me: also carrots
son: I don’t like carrots
me: I know[how I’ve kept my 2 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]
“Sweet dreams you piece of shit.” I try to snap the prison guard’s neck but just make him look to the left very quickly.
I need to stop asking ppl who wants to do an activity with me on my close friends story because 12 people said they wanted to go to this museum and now I have to make 11 people mad
I’ve trapped dozens of birds and woodland creatures in my room but not one has helped me get dressed, and they’re just shitting everywhere.
[i get home to find a note on the refrigerator that says “i’m leaving and i’m taking the kids”]
ME: *unplugs fridge from power outlet* you’re not going anywhere you piece of shit
My husband pissed me off so I wrapped his remote and put it under the tree.
When my toddlers ask where mommy is, I explain that she’s gone to heaven. That way they’re super-excited when she gets back from the gym.
My new favorite thing on Twitter is this three-year feud between Wendy’s and a cabbage account
Candles never taste the way they smell
I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one today.
Anyway. Monkey for sale.
Saw a deer in our yard & I know it’s not a big deal but before moving our only yard wildlife was a family of city opossums & our dogs kept bringing the babies playing-dead in the house & I had to remove a lot of not-dead opossums cuz my husband is a chicken
So…a deer was nice
I always feel bad for seedless watermelon because what if they wanted to have babies.
Shouting “Shotgun” will get you the front seat of a car or a heap of cash if you whisper it to a cashier.
“Ruh roh” says Scooby as the cops pull the van over. Shaggy looks at the kilos of heroin in the back, sighs, and pulls out a machine gun.
I’ve just checked and there’s no mention about sexting in the 10 commandments so we’re good to go.
Every parent who has picked up a toddler and taken them away from a playground while they kick and scream and cry is legally allowed to put “bouncer” on their resume’s work history.
I won a chocolate bunny at the carnival but it was a hollow victory.
My son’s soccer coach just said, “You can’t spell “triumph” without ‘try,'” and the look my son and I shared will bond us forever.
I named my son Kidding Me so whenever people say “Are you kidding me” he has to say yes. This is a bad joke thanks for your time