Haven’t refilled my prescriptions in a while. Which has been instrumental creating the mass grave beneath this wood shed.
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Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.
Me: lol this guy is drunk after only two beers.
Wife: stop giving our toddler beer.
*crawls seductively across bed*
*elbow gives out*
May he without sin cast the first stone
[Everybody picks up rocks]
Sharing Netflix passwords counts as sin
[Everybody puts rocks back down]
A smart Halloween costume would be an angel costume because if you died, you could just sneak your way into heaven & be like “I’m back yall”
The Force can make you lift a spaceship out of the swamp, but proper sentence structure teaching, it can not.
No, I’m not wearing lipgloss, I’ve just been eating salami.
*at a rave*
“EXCUSE ME MISS, WOULD YOU LIKE TO DANCE?”
*45 minutes later*
“THIS IS A LONG SONG”
[Swedish massage]
masseuse: *smashes meatballs into my back*
I started this account 7 years ago today. I just want to thank all of you for reading my stuff and never showing up to my house.
me: hmm…that’s a real head-scratcher…I don’t know there are significant pros and cons to each choice…maybe I should make a spreadsheet and do a cost analysis…
netflix, impatiently: dude, just pick something already
Like an alarm clock but it’s your toddler standing next to your bed with a mascara wand whispering “I make you beautiful”.
Sometimes in the ‘special talents’ section of a resume I like to draw a picture of a cat
My husband says I’m selfish, so yesterday when it snowed I let him have the shovel all to himself
*Dabs maple syrup on wrists and behind my ears
‘Sup.
The only recipes they have online are where I’m the one who’s supposed to buy all this stuff and then make it. That’s not what I’m looking for
People judge public housing, but it’s cheap and your neighbors sell you drugs so I’m not sure I see the problem…
Me: Hi, is this Chuck E Cheese?
How many kids do I need to have with me to be able to eat and play there?Chuck E. Cheese: Just one
Me: *opens door to white van* Get out Rebecca I don’t need you
The accuracy #BlowsMyMind
how do you get over the heartache of an ex whose cat ur never gonna see again?
I’m really good at acting like I’m sorry the elevator door is closing and you missed it.
me: [buying $2 ice cream with $100 bill] is this enough?
cnn: [mashing calculator] oh gosh it’s gonna be close
boy: you have really pretty eyes…
me: *suspicious* thank you…???
boy: *leans in slowly*
me: NO!!!! You cant have them!!!!!
If watching 80’s music videos has taught me anything, it’s that you don’t need talent if you have a fog machine.
Good News: Your kid will finally eat something green.
Bad News: It’s avocados, and now you have to take out a second mortgage.
[Youth Pastor voice] You know who else got a surprise visit from the authorities?
If a cop pulls you over and walks up holding a notepad, don’t order breakfast. Apparently it’s not amusing, I’ve already tried it.
Was enjoying playing legos with my son until my wife tapped me on the shoulder and said he went outside an hour ago.
Not wasting my time reading anything an author puts in parenthesis. If it’s not good enough for the main text I don’t need it
Her- um.. why are you wearing a Darth Vader mask?
Me- you said lets do Yoda together
H- I SAID YOGA YOU DOPE
M- VERY WRONG I WAS