The dog ate my kid’s snack and now he’s saying “get it back” like I’m Hermione Granger or something
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“I don’t watch tv” ok but then what do you do with it
My older daughter lives in a constant state of incredulity because everything she hears is “the dumbest thing [she’s] ever heard.”
Woke up at 5am because I rolled over and my foot got too close to my dog and he started barking to make sure me and all my neighbors knew.
[Nightcap]
Me: *giving tour* and this is my room.
Her: It’s….a….nice.
Me: Let me stop you there. The He-man sheets are purely decorative and in no way a reflection of my prowess in bed.
You guys, this guy on Dateline says I shouldn’t make friends with people on the internet because they might not be who they say they are. Is this true?
“What? Only 2% Milk? Then what’s the other 98%!?”
[bull walking confidently out of the factory]
Oh you don’t wanna know
I WILL HUNT YOU DOWN AND FIND YOU and cuddle you softly.
Shampoo is much more marketable than it’s original name, Shamshit.
One day we will tell our grandkids how far we had to scroll to get to the recipe.
Tall people are my favourite because I can grab them by the torso and shake them like a tree
Everyone: We’re concerned about you.
Me: *snorting crushed up smarties off the back of a public toilet* why tho?
Therapist: So what are your coping mechanisms?
Me: I blame astrology for all of my problems in life instead of taking any responsibility.
Therapist: That’s not very healthy…
Me: Well, I’m an Aries, so 🤷♀️
My wife suggested taking Ecstasy to help with sex and so far she’s banged three neighbors and the UPS guy
why do “youngster” and “elderly” get to be words, but “oldster” and “youngerly” don’t?
Now.
What do we want?
Time traveller jokes.
When do we want them?
Me: *Does one 30-second Google search for giraffe pictures to use in a joke I’m texting someone*
Pinterest email: HERE ARE 48 BOARDS OF GIRAFFES YOU MIGHT ENJOY BECAUSE YOU ARE OBVIOUSLY A GIRAFFE FANATIC
It’s not the holidays until I see two minivans with red noses lock antlers over a parking space at Target.
me: wHaT iS It DocToR
dr: you have a disease that makes you mock people
me: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS
dr: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS
Is it a compliment when someone says, “You look great, I didn’t even recognize you?”
Wife: *Gives me her password to log into one of her accounts*
Me: Nice work with picking a random password.
Wife: It’s our anniversary.
How to avoid interaction with coworkers in 4 steps?
1. Take a group selfie
2. Crop everyone out except you
3. Post it on FB
4. Tag all of em
A lot of parenting includes slow blinking at your child when they do something stupid while you mutter to yourself that they take after your spouse.
Teenagers are most fun when they’re asked to clean up the mess they’ve made themselves.
WebMD says I’m in good
shape so I’m not worried
about a thing.
Guy: Why does everyone call you “Gross Gary”?
Gary: [filling a canteen with hotdog water] Nobody calls me that.
*Remembering the time I took a picture of myself every day for a year without removing the lens cap*
I offer kid $1 to do a chore. He sticks dollar in pocket. I get dollar back on laundry day.
Lather. Rinse. Repeat!
“you can achieve anything if you put your mind to it”
*spends 3 hours trying to put cheese strings on a guitar*
Gordon Ramsay: Can you explain to me why this kitchen is so ghastly? Do you ever even clean?!
Manager: I have an elite cleaning team working tirelessly in this restaurant.
Cat on Roomba: *rolls by making unbroken eye contact*
M: …ignore that.