One of the best parts of marriage is having someone to hate the couples on House Hunters with.
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Surprised my wife with French fries. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the fridge.
The adjective “interesting” is way more reliable when applied to cheese than when used to describe people.
I may be a woman but I know all about off-road adventuring. Your tyres need to be soft when driving in sand so just make little holes in your tyres. Stab stab stab.
Follow me for more adventuring tips.
I just heard a lady in the grocery store parking lot tell her dog in the truck she loves him & he’s beautiful & she’s going to miss him, but she’ll brb & kissed head.
& I just feel like we need more of her in this world.
I also wanna be her dog when I grow up.
R.E.M: Stand in the place where you live
CDC: Exactly
R.E.M.: Now face north, think about direction, wonder why you haven’t before
CDC: Uh, okay?
R.E.M.: Now stand in the place where you work
CDC: NO
Biker gang: Well, well, well. Would you look at this fancy boy.
Me: Don’t push me.
Biker gang: Oh yeah? What are you gonna do about it?
Me: *removes bonnet* I said, don’t push me.
Our ‘thoughts and prayers’ go out to all the vegans and innocent cabbages everywhere.
Age 17: Avoiding squeaky floor boards to sneak out of my parent’s house
Age 37: Avoiding squeaky floor boards to sneak out of my toddler’s room
Isn’t it annoying when someone sits next to you in an empty cinema? I didn’t think so but that’s what my new best friend is telling security
I’m tired of being the bigger person. Just once I want to be the smaller person. I want to be continually shrinking. I’d eventually love to be tiny enough to be carried around in someone’s pocket while shouting petty retorts.
World domination? I don’t even want to be responsible for myself.
Kid: I love you so much!
Me: Aww, baby, I love you too.
Kid: No mom, the dog. I love the dog so much.
Me: Yeah, I love the dog more than you too.
“Dad, these glasses make everything look much bigger!”
*Snatches glass and hands to my wife
My 4yo said he was playing at lunch with a girl from his class at school.
Me: Which game were you playing?
4: Lava Queen and Assistant!
Me: Let me guess. You were the assistant?
4: How did you know, daddy?!
Daddy knows.
Growing up was a huge mistake
Fun morning at work…does Costco sell voodoo dolls in bulk?
It’s too bad my sister wasn’t kinder to me in middle school.
**orders nephew a bullhorn for Christmas**
I just took the Christmas tree down. Gonna dye Easter eggs this afternoon.
I keep trying to lose this last 180 pounds but he refuses to leave.
Kid: Your my best friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* It’s you’re.
It feels like Duolingo is giving me writing prompts for a very specific story
ME: As the leader of the goth party, it is my belief that Friday the 13th should be a holiday
REPORTER: What else does the goth party believe in?
ME: [clearing throat] Ghosts
Never play hide-and-seek with a 4yo in the mall. I know that now.
my family was too poor for a gene pool, so we soaked our genes in rye whiskey.
People that still call into radio stations are probably doing it from house phones.
I once had a broken tooth repaired in France. I still chew with a slight accent.
CARPET SALESMAN: [sighing, handing me another sample] What about this one for your bedroom?
ME: Hmmm no that one is also far too small
Just once I’d like to walk down the aisle, take my vows, say I do…
Without being dragged out being told, “Ma’am, you’re not the bride…”
The best part about talking to a narcissist is how there isn’t any pressure to add to the conversation.