I let people know that I’m no weirdo. I say “I’m no weirdo!” From that point forward, it’s just a matter of keeping my mouth off their pets.
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How does a mule unlock a door?
With a don-key.
#MuleDay #RubbishJokes
Not trying to brag but my son’s teacher wants his artwork to be looked at by a psychologist
migraine |my-grain|
noun
1 a recurrent severe headache
2 what a farmer shouts in disbelief after a terrible storm destroys his wheat field
Spring chickens aren’t as comfy as memory foam chickens.
What if ISIS started claiming responsibility for nice things like when my mom says, “who emptied the dishwasher?!”
This could’ve been an email.
My favorite farside!!
Is Pepsi ok?
*I pull out my phone and send a text*
*2 hours pass*
*an out of breath Dikembe Mutumbo runs in wagging his finger*
No it is not
If you say “anyways” instead of “anyway,” that’s alls I needs to knows abouts yous.
Got kicked out of the flat earth bar for offering to buy everyone a round.
ME: I’d like to return a defective boomerang
SHOPKEEPER: Ok. Where is it?
ME: I have no idea
[carrying sleeping cat out of burning house]
seriously, what purpose do you serve
A roomba that swears every time it hits something.
I opened this great self-care app.
It’s called “the fridge.”
it can’t have done Tiny Tim’s confidence much good, his parents calling him that
first person to make a calzone: *looking at pizza* I can fix him
me: hey, you wanna get outta here?
museum guide: lady, i already told you they don’t come alive at night. please get away from the david statue
My train of thought is actually just a drunken wedding conga line.
Whenever I see a new couple on a date I walk up to their table, hold up my phone and tell the guy “You’re Wife Sarah says hello”.
If you’re cremated, you can’t roll over in your grave. Do you swirl in your urn? What do you do? What. Do. You. Do?
Someone at work said they saw me over the weekend and they said hi and I looked but just kept on walking and I was like yeah.
If cartoons are a reliable guide, the secret to never ageing is wearing the same clothes every day.
Pfizer: Our new Covid vaccine needs to be stored at minus seventy degrees which will create logistics issues.
My wife: Would you like to use our bedroom?
Your fancy knocking pattern isn’t going to entice me into answering the door, either.
her: babe!
me: wait, I want to word this tweet right
her: BABE!!
me: and send… what was the question?
minister: Do you take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?
The real walk of shame is having to waddle to the hall closet to get toilet paper because you didn’t check before engaging the launch code.
Me: why are you not drinking your milk?
3: it’s too cow-ey
3: *tries a new thing, screams and fights, finally does the thing, cries that he’s done
Absolutely no one:
3: that was SO MUCH FUN, we have to do it again soon!!!!
Don’t touch that.
The answer to the question, “do these jeans still fit” depends on whether or not I actually have to sit down at any point.