*Goes to bakery to try wedding cake samples*
Baker: “When is your wedding?”
Me: *with mouthful of cake*
“What wedding?”
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On our walk this morning I mentioned that my legs were sore.
Hubs: I’ll carry you!
6: How can you carry her? She’s heavy!
Me: Daddy is strong…and I’m not THAT heavy!
6: Welllll, you LOOK heavy.
Sometimes when I travel I toss a flashlight into my bag and when I open the bag later it’s turned on. So no lightsaber for me thanks.
I just don’t think a partridge in a pear tree would make a great gift
The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.
Life starts with everyone cheering when you poop and goes drastically down hill from there.
Hey, baby, you wanna come back to my place, and become a famous murder victim?
My gyno has to use a car jack instead of a speculum
CABLE COMPANY: Someone will be there between 6:30 am and 9:45 pm.
ME: That’s pretty vague.
CC: Oh, sorry. It’ll be a cable TV installer.
12: Alexa is so annoying! I have to say everything 5 times before she does what I want her to do.
Me, looking at the full garbage that I asked my son to take out 4 times: I know the feeling.
Anyone want to go on a date with me tomorrow? It’s a house chores date. You come over and help clean the house, gutters included, fix a few things. Car needs detailed too. Then when we’re done you can just ghost me
Its not a joke, its a rope and I want you to put it around your neck.
Outside doing some gardening and I’m pretty sure that my neighbour just heard me tell a worm that he is “a heckin’ chonk” and to “keep up the good work”.
Friend zone?!
I’ve been sister zoned! And if one more dude pats me on the head, I’m telling mom!!
My toddler just tried to change the channel with a chicken finger and since I had the remote in my hand I totally let him think it worked.
Sidebar:
If a whack job is an artist, does that make them a whackadoodle?
Yes.
GF: I’m moving out if you don’t stop pretending you work at a supermarket.
ME: Ok. Do you need any help with your packing?
Getting married lost its appeal as soon as I figured out that acquiring a maid of honor wasn’t going to get my floors washed.
Do dogs understand elevators or are they just like ok it’s time to get into the world changer
How wrong was this guy?
When you’re an inflight safety pamphlet designer who definitely knows what babies look like
I just broke a mirror disco ball, I’m not looking forward to my 5,600 years of bad luck
2 days ago I gained 800 followers in one day just for tweeting a cleavage pic
Unbooblievable
my right thumb literally just snarled at my other nine fingers and said, “you have no idea how much more work i do than any of you spoiled brats”
Wife: We need to go to the store. We’re out of milk.
Me: We can wait a few days.
Wife: We’re out of beer.
Me: *dives in the car*
Am I supposed to know my own blood type? I don’t even know what types of blood there are
Me: Am I in trouble?
Her: [Starts Alanis Morissette and Olivia Rodrigo playlist]
Me: Oh no.
Holding back your crazy is like sucking in your fat. Eventually it’s gonna come out.
I told someone my name and they said, “That’s unusual. You don’t hear that every day.”
Actually, I do.
There’s no way witnessing the birth of your child is better than seeing your luggage come out first on the baggage carousel.
For cardio, I drive before the windshield is defrosted.