[on stage]
me: *takes a bow* thank you
Violinist: hey, I need that
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My pal said, “Cheer up, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
Girls are girls. They will wait for your reply without texting you!
My wife just got the bar tab and yelled “Oh my god.” That can’t be good.
A relationship should be 50/50.
50% man
50% bear
50% pig
king kong winces in agony after stepping on a lego store
[hanging out in my basement]
Wife: You know, this room could really use more natural light.
Me: Help yourself. There’s plenty in the fridge.
Wife: “Did you know that some idiot paid $96,000 for Princess Leia’s gold bikini?”
Me: [nervously tightening my robe] “Who would do that?”
Me: yeah so I think that Mario didn’t even care about saving the princess, he just really hated turtles
Game theory professor: w- what
Don’t know why other people struggle to break addictions. I quit eating doughnuts 8 times last year
This doctor doesn’t know what he’s talking about. I’m pretty sure “Esophagus” is that hairy elephant on Sesame Street.
If you ever feel silly for being on Twitter just remember there are people on national television asking “ghosts” questions.
Me: {after awkwardly long silence} So you come here often?
Waitress: Yes I work here can you please just order.
Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?
Me: *holding a devil’s food cake*
Satan:
Me:
Satan: Give it back…
what if your teeth were naturally flaccid and got hard when you got hungry
my mom has been using 💦 to describe crying and when I told her to stop it, she made me tell her why and now it’s so quiet in here.
Bobcat Escapes National Zoo #WhatDoYouThink?
*wakes up drenched in sweat*
WAS BINGO THE FARMER OR THE DOG?
Monopoly made me believe there would more bank errors in my favour as an adult.
Excited for the return of Game of Thrones.
Not excited for the return of the phrase, “If you’d read the books, you’d know that…”
Never play hide-and-seek with a 4yo in the mall. I know that now.
People are always weirded out when I take notes during episodes of Dexter.
Teacher: Can anyone give me an example of guilty by association?
The Horse I rode in on: *Raises Hoof*
I got a Ouija board tattooed on my back to trick ghosts into giving me massages.
Whatever, hissing raccoon. Sitting there, judging me. I didn’t mean to throw the cake in the trash so it’s still fair game.
Why do they call it “a crystal meth addiction” and not “methamaddicts?”
Other parents don’t want to be friends with us once they find out our child folds his own laundry and doesn’t need braces.
Difference between stoners and drunks are ..5 drunk will start a fight…5 stoners will start a band
MOM: Story time
ME: Yay!
MOM: it’s called
“The Little Engine that Could, but doesn’t cuz he’s a little shit that won’t move out”ME: mom?
I hear you’ve been spreading rumors all over Twitter that I’m schizophrenic.
Well three can play at that game.