Watched the movie Gravity tonight. Didn’t see as much gravity as I expected. Two thumbs down based on that.
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Pretty sure it’s easier to break a person out of a maximum security prison than break a Barbie doll out of its package.
Put on sunglasses. Now run past a crowd of people with your index finger on your ear screaming “SNIPER HAS BEEN SPOTTED SIR”
Please keep my boyfriend in your thoughts; we’ve entered the part of our relationship where friends who got together after us have started getting engaged.
The rule should be if you can smell the cookout you’re invited to the cookout.
Squirrels don’t hibernate in the winter they just get angry.
The opposite of Lorelai is Loretellsthetruth,
Them: you can’t handle this d…
Me:
them: are you with someone or are you alone?
me: *winks* who’s asking?
them: ma’am, this is a vaccination clinic.
50 shades – only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he lived in a trailer, it would be another episode of criminal minds
It’s hard to make the bed when someone’s in it. Especially if it’s me.
The only thing worse than finding a hair in your food is realizing that the person who prepared it has a bald head.
It’s kind of funny how so many people think that being gay is a choice but being fat isn’t
Apparently, “in California” wasn’t the right answer to my boss asking where I see myself in five years
One time when my 10yo was 18 months I took him to the library for story time and he rolled his toy car under a bookcase and yelled “oh shit”. The lady stopped reading and everyone turned to look at me and I didn’t go back to story time at the library again
We’re all getting idioter.
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
How excited are you, on a scale from 1 to white woman who just found out that this dinner party has sangria?
As an introvert, having a special place in hell reserved just for me sounds rather nice.
my wife said she was trash, so i said that must make me an opossum, and i think we just renewed our vows
Oh you’re a fan of egg whites? Name 3 of their albumens
Wish I was a duck. Just chillin in a park all day, maybe go for a swim. Oh what’s that? People wanna feed me? Hell yeah
I would like a formal apology each time I prove to my computer it wrongly accused me of being a robot.
All I said is, I prefer a fresher corpse. Don’t make this weird.
If you are flying out of DC on virgin today, check under your seat for a very large mom bra. It’s like a talk show giveaway!
The lady in the spice commercial was haphazardly pouring her vanilla extract. Do you know how much vanilla extract costs, lady?
Narrator: “Humans are the product of 4.54 billion years of evolution”
[cut to me pressing harder on remote control when batteries are dead]
Marie Kondo: Ask yourself if it sparks joy?
Me: [looks at daughter’s bedroom and throws the entire room out]
Champagne lovers are bubblyophiles
I feel as though we’ve come too far as a society to go camping on purpose.
I love birthdays! My boyfriend rented a special hotel room for us to fight in.