We’ve reached that part of the day where my kids ask what’s for dinner & then tell me they don’t want that for dinner.
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Me: we need to pick 9 up from school
4: we’ve picked him up a lot lately, let’s just leave him there today
I haven’t watched or read any news in two days, and at this point I’m just wondering why people waste money on sex and drugs to feel high.
When we first dated I thought your freckles were dots of inexcusable cuteness. Now I can see how joined up they draw a pentagram.
Welcome to your 40s: see that kid over there dressed up like a cop, he’s actually 27, and he is a cop.
Mimes are known to commit
unspeakable acts.
When someone compliments you, etiquette dictates that you respond with “That is accurate.”
i love reading online product reviews because there will be 8,000 that say “this blender is amazing, highly recommended” and one that will be like “garbage, do not buy, i tried to blend concrete and a crowbar and the thing broke immediately”
Falling in love with some people is like hearing the theme music from Jaws, but diving in anyway, convinced you can change the shark
Me: Throw it back. It’s too small.
Him: Ma’am, this is your child.
Me: Fine. Use him as bait.
HIM: I’m not crying, you’re crying
ME: we’re all crying, this is a funeral
I want to be in a heavy metal band just so I can scream terrible things at crowds of people and not be accused of having PMS.
I went to the gym today.
Just kidding, I walked down the block and yelled at the neighbor kids for screaming while I’m trying to nap.
Don’t know how to delete tweets so please just disregard the one earlier in which I claimed to have “definitely broken the world land speed record” by running very fast down the hill near my house. I have since looked it up and I accept that I underestimated the current record
Anne Has A Problem
Anne Has A Solution
Anne Has A Will
Anne Hathaway
CYCLOPS: How do u spell Hawaii?
WIFE [biting lip] well..u need 2 i’s
CYCLOPS [puts pen down] my life is just a joke to u isn’t it Linda
“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive
I sexually identify as muddled blueberries.
Shawty has them Apple Bottom jeans, boots with the fur, gloves with the skin, shirt with the scales, hat with the shell, belt with th
“have you heard about the Nu covid variant”
“no, what’s it called?”
“the Nu variant”
“yeah what’s it called”
“no, it’s literally spelled N U, Nu”
“haha wow, who named it that?”
“yes”
Yo mama so fat she plays Temple Walk.
“We need a solid plan to defeat ISIS.”
Galaxy Note 7: I have an idea
Sure Italian food is expensive but I think it’s worth every penne
Me: I can’t believe I’m only discovering Fleetwood Mac now.
Girlfriend: I’ve heard Rumours
Me: No, it’s true Sandra. They’re an actual band.
One time I bought these shoes from a drug dealer, and I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day
The collective name for a group of killer whales should be an ‘orcanization’.
Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Not possible.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
Call your teenage daughter by the dog’s name one time and she doesn’t talk to you for three days. Three wonderful fabulous amazing days.
[adrift at sea]
CLOWN: no worries, we can use this helium canister to propel us to shore
ME: *really squeaky voice* we need a different plan
I feel attacked.
Whenever a friends says “Join the gym with me” I say, “Go to church with my Mom for me”. Shuts ‘em up every time.