just kicked half a dozen toys under the sofa and called my house tidy
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Putting sunscreen on kids feels like cardio
Thank you for the lovely invitation card, I will be using it to remove spiders from my house for the foreseeable future.
The most uncomfortable moment in my day is the time spent waiting in silence while someone searches for a ‘funny’ YouTube clip I *need* to see.
Me when my alarm goes off
Do you ever eat an individual-sized bag of chips and wonder what kind of “individual” only eats seven chips?
[on stage]
me: *takes a bow* thank you
Violinist: hey, I need that
[prison]
me: I think I’m breaking out
cell mate: no way that’s insane
me: I know my skin is usually like never this bad
Dating is just wondering why some people are single and figuring it out.
*puts on pickle costume*
*gets stuck in pickle costume*
*calls friend*
Could you please help me?
I’ve gotten my myself into a pickle.
Before kids: I’d choose going blind over going deaf.
After kids: Deaf! I wanna be deaf!
Wife: he’s always confusing sayings…
Therapist: what if you’re just misinterpreting him?
Me: oooh, check you out playing devil’s avocado
I have, a really beautiful body
under my floor boards
I prefer to think that my proclivity to road rage has enriched my kids vocabularies rather than warped their tiny little minds.
On the bright side, every moment Bieber spends Tweeting is a moment he isn’t spending recording or performing music.
As your sugar daddy I will provide you with a 40% discount on all your future insulin purchases
You learn something new everyday. Yesterday I learned eating 29 SlimJims gives me diarrhea. Today I learned eating 28 also gives me diarrhea
Annoying my husband while he watches Star Trek: “Why does everyone in the future wear upholstery fabrics?”
If you can’t tell the difference between “erotic” & “exotic” then zoo keeping is definitely not for you.
I went to the bathroom at IKEA and needed an Allen wrench to flush the toilet.
People can be dangerous when they have too much power. Giving my 5yo a balloon sword is a perfect example of this.
Me: Bedtime in 5 minutes!
8yo: *Begins the single most complicated crafting project of her lifetime thus far*
[Job Interview]
HR : What do you consider your biggest weakness?
Me : (pulls out machete) *whispers under my breath “I can’t forgive people”
[God making raccoons]
GOD: I want a goth red panda
ANGEL: so like… a regular panda
GOD: no, make it small
ANGEL: okay
GOD: [taking bong rip] … and good at shoplifting
Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?
Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.
Doctor, reaching for a piece of paper: “Are you on any meds?”
Me: “You might want to grab a notebook.”
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
What’s the dumbest thing you ever got in trouble for at work? Let me start: I just got a “verbal warning” for the words, “let’s see how that works out.”
No thanks, babies. If I’m going to let something inside of my body that’s going to destroy my figure, it’ll be cheese, bread and booze.