me: so you’re just going to pack up my things? as if none of this meant anything to you??
grocery bagger: what
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NICE TO MEAT YOU, I scream as I throw slices of salami at strangers
Found a YouTube channel that’s just French women smoking cigarettes so this is my last tweet.
Me: Do not ‘K’ me again.
Daughter: Que
Me: In any language.
Her: SiThis is why I’m crazy.
Henry VIII would be glad to know that in a post-Game Of Thrones world he actually seems pretty chill
Wine is like tapdancing, I can never tell if it’s good or bad
[soldier dying in my arms]
“You take this & you give it to my wife.”
“No [pushes watch back to soldier] she lives really far away from me.”
I always eat duck with a few slices of cheap bread, because I know they would’ve enjoyed it.
*during sex*
Him: come on baby, moan for me….
Me: why didn’t you unload the bloody dishwasher like I asked?
[face to face with a serial killer]
Me: So this is how it ends.
SK: Kill you? In this economy? I just needed to borrow a cup of sugar.
My 4yo refers to any time in the past as ‘last years ago’ which is about as accurate as when I say ‘the other day’.
The most disturbing thing about accidentally waking up at 4 a.m. is realizing some people do this on purpose so they can exercise.
[sifting through mail]
baby shower invitation? Haha, um no thanks, Linda. I have a regular size shower that I can use whenever I want
My daughter had a spider in her room but she lost it, and now she wants to move. I told her to stop being dramatic and she would probably just swallow it tonight so nbd
Get in, octopus. We’re gonna open jars and do some taxes.
“Oh hell yes” – Schrödinger, reading the first line of A Tale of Two Cities
support small businesses like a mouse selling tiny umbrellas or even a bee selling tiny umbrellas
Me, twenty minutes after the edible kicks in:
I don’t think Donkey Kong was even a donkey
SHAKESPEARE: Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
HIM: Sure.
SHAKESPEARE: Oh, wow, didn’t… didn’t think you’d say yes. I actually don’t have anything prepared.
HIM:
SHAKESPEARE:
HIM:
SHAKESPEARE: ur both hot.
My insurance rates went way down after I legally changed my middle name from Danger to Robert.
Date: I like guys who are sensitive
Me *through mouthful of ice cream* this hurts my teeth
just saw a guy and girl kissing at her car outside the bar and as he walked back to his car she goes “you promise you’ll break up with her today? you better” summer is so back
When I’m trying to walk around in my house: Tripping over shoes nonstop because kids leave them everywhere
When I’m trying to get kids out of the house: No shoes to be found, a barren shoeless desert, a tumbleweed rolls by
Do you think Sarah Sanders’ husband calls her “the colonel” when they eat fried chicken in bed?
Shout out to my kids because THEY AREN’T LISTENING!!!!
9, playing an iPad game: Weird… I accidentally did something and my character became fat.
Me: Same.
Last weekend, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie tied the knot in a small intimiate ceremony attended by 20 of their closest children.
Sometimes, when I look at an avi, I’m not sure if they’re trying to be sexy or if they’ve just been shot.
This classic never gets old . . .
Until I got married I didn’t even know it was possible to chew bubblegum arrogantly.
You know you’re desperate for a night out when the babysitter tells you they have lice and for a split second you think: stick on a damn hat and get over here