Boss: You’re late.
Me: Only in this time zone.
Apparently it doesn’t matter that in China I’d be 12 hours early.
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maybe leonardo dicaprio hated 9/11 so much that he can’t even date women who remember it. did that even occur to you
If you capitalize ‘him’ in your tweets I’m gonna automatically assume you’re subtweeting god.
Girls who go to finishing school know all of the Mortal Kombat fatalities.
If you’re dating someone named Merle you’re required to call them your Merlefriend.
Don’t bring up something I said 30 minutes ago. I’m a different person, I’ve changed since then.
Does anyone want to get married to me? Asking for a friend.
Whoa I’m floating! Am I…dead?
“No it’s a dream”
What a relief! Wait. Who said that?
Grim Reaper: (mutters) shit
Uh nobody go back to sleep
[velociraptor sneaks up on me as I aim my gun]
me: clever girl
velociraptor: what
me: …clever girl
velociraptor: I’m 26
me: sorry I-
velociraptor: looks like I’m not the only dinosaur here
VAMPIRE: ur making this weird
ME: my neck is ticklish!
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: so what exactly did the “shapeshifter” look like?
[the easel makes a throat-slitting gesture]
ME: …I dont remember
When my middle school English teacher didn’t know the word “anecdote,” it became my first successful field test of discretion vs. valor.
“Give me your finest meal, money is of no concern.”
~ Me at McDonald’s on pay day.
I just love it when my boyfriend comes to visit and brings me presents. He always says stuff like “stop winking and sign for this package”
Wore a push up bra to work today and now I can’t see my keyboard.
I successfully cleared a path from the front door to the TV. Now I can watch Hoarders.
I’m 97% positive that my working from home situation will be negatively impacted by the fact that I’m downloading Fallout 4 on my work laptop right now.
When I die, I hope people react the way my kids do when the iPad freezes.
*puts powdered sugar around my nostrils and walks into blind date set up by my mom*
Grocery clerk: sir please stop
Me: *smashing eggs with my fist* none of these are ripe
I’m shocked every four years when for some reason everyone I know is an Olympics expert. I’ll go to a party and everyone’s like “Brazil’s sailing team is phenomenal this year”
“You got any plans tonight?”
Me: Yeah, sorry I do
The plans:
Quick reminder that the Twilight saga is about the classic teen angst of choosing between bestiality and necrophilia
MOST TIMES: i know all of the lyrics to this song and could sing it in my sleep
DURING KARAOKE: i don’t remember a single word, may have even forgotten about the very concept of music
Me: haha should I get out and push
Everyone on The Submarine: YES
Picture someone stepping down off a curb that they didn’t realize was there. Now you can say you’ve seen me dance.
No one lays down beats like Gaston, fills the seats like Gaston, when on Twitter nobody tweets like Gaston.
i smell a pulitzer
Rosetta Stone says they’ll have me speaking another language in a month. Babbel says one week. But this bourbon only takes, like, an hour.
Want to feel like a cute puppy? Follow the steps:
1: Grow curly hair
2: Wait for the petting, it’ll come
Go ahead. Order anything you want. Money is no object when we dine at Le Foodcourte du Costco.