me: if dracula bit jesus would he get drunk
priest: i’m going to have to check with the vatican and get back to you
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Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
Kind of cruel how preschool and the Muffin Man teach girls that they might one day find a guy made entirely out of muffins.
Whenever a guy peeps into my phone, I open the front cam and take a selfie with him.
No one has a bigger death wish than a 10yo spying on her older sister while her sister is talking to a boy.
When you’re British and you need to deliver the sickest burn possible
My daughter, a hair stylist, has a tiny pair of scissors tattooed behind her ear with tiny red teardrops for clients she accidently stabbed.
I named my toilet Jim instead of John and now everyone is always so impressed when I tell them I go to the Jim everyday.
[Joseph checking in to hotel]
“Is there WiFi?”
Only in the stable
*later to Virgin Mary*
“Honey, hotel was booked. Gotta stay in the stable”
Kids will keep you humble. If not by their words, then by the picture they drew of you.
She asked if I had lost my mind. It’s nice to know that there’s some doubt.
A 2yo thought he was sabotaging my pb&j by inserting pretzels in the middle but HA! It’s actually quite tasty.
For fun, the next time you
have an attractive waitress-Order a “quickie”
then act surprised when she
tells you it’s pronounced “quiche”
[phone rings]
me: hello?
NASA: this is nasa. stop thinking about peeling the moon like a big orange and eating it.
me: [quickly hangs up]
This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout
who called it a motorhome and not a casa roll
I bought this 3 years ago without realizing what was on it and wore it to my daughter’s school play 😂😂
Guys I’ve misplaced one of my gold cubes, please let me know if it turns up.
Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you go to introduce him to your friends & it turns out that he’s “afraid of bats.”
Him: Hey girl, what’s your sign?
Me: My favourite is probably “McDonalds, Next Exit” what’s yours?
Seeing men with their noses sticking out over their masks makes me hope I never see how they wear swim trunks.
worst place to be stung by bees is the club bc it just looks like you’re doing cool dance moves & sure u win the dance off but at what cost
Suggested movie theater prices: Adults – $9.00, Under 12 – $ 6.00, Under 3 – $249.00
*adds pineapple to your lasagna*
According to my wife I’m the best at driving over every pothole when she has to pee.
Don’t forget to sacrifice your own personal goals to live up to someone else’s expectations today!
Whoever can shoo the lizard out is the alpha in your house
Stands at the gates of hell.
Waves to my mother in law.
Leaves.
I know it’s called Words With Friends, but the moment you play “QI” on a triple word spot, you just became my mortal enemy.
absolutely pissing myself over this police chase in LA. man running from police. going over 100mph. but still religiously using his blinker
{commercial for boats}
Tired of your car not knowing how to swim?