Sex so vanilla Baskin-Robbins names an ice cream after it.
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Her: What’s with the microscope?
Me: Looking for my comfort zone.
Relationships are easy as pie!
*burns pie*
“We’re not lost!” Dad would insist, despite Mom’s complaints that “This isn’t on the map” and “We shouldn’t be seeing the ocean from Tulsa.”
Sometimes 6 is smart like her mom and other times she gets her head stuck in the footboard of her bed when she’s supposed to be sleeping.
My husband: Do you really need another pair of black pants?
My husband’s closet:
dentist: how much mtn dew have you been drinking?
me: i don’t know why
dentist: because your teeth are snowboarding ok that’s why
[texting my friend]
me: sorry I missed your party yesterday
friend: it’s today actually
me: read this again tomorrow then
If your job is so “essential” that you can’t get off for a killer global pandemic, you deserve $15 an hour and a union.
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
Wife: “You talk like some poorly written science fiction novel. I’m leaving you.”
Me: “I swear by the 12 moons of Bumtar I can change!”
As a young girl she played the game Operation and dreamed about the day she could illegally harvest vital organs in real life.
Someone just called my phone, sneezed and then hung up.
I’m getting sick and tired of these cold calls.
Pro tip: when you have a drug test and they tell you to go to the bathroom in the cup, that means PEE. Always.
My neighbor is pissed at me because I started dating her ex boyfriend so soon after they split up.
She dropped him and I feel the 5 second rule applies here
She does not
[climbing out of a dumpster] believe it or not, I am here to help
I just did my own taxes for the first time and I’m glad I did because I’m getting 8 million dollars back this year!
Me: I’m going to bed after this episode.
Netflix: Hahahahahaha! Sure. Ok.
Why do people try to trick babies into thinking airplanes are delicious?
How bad is it for Prince Andrew? Under today’s Royal Decree he’s banned from eating Burger King, Dairy Queen or Duke’s Mayo.
Apparently it was disrespectful to wear my Slayer hoodie at my friend’s murdered husband’s funeral.
Social media is perfect when you’re feeling sorry for yourself and your desire is to feel worse.
Dear Lord..
I know you’re not supposed to hug the old lady giving out samples at Costco, but the sausage she gave me had cheese inside. Cheese.In.Side.
It’s amazing how the lowly potato gives us potato chips, french fries, and vodka. Get your shit together, every other vegetable.
If alcohol has calories and calories are energy then cocktails are energy drinks
Husband: why are you taking so long to get ready???!!
Later:
-eats the snacks I packed
-drinks my water bottle
-uses my cell phone charger
“Either shave your legs or kiss me”
There are some people that, when you think about them, you just feel better. And that’s nice.
I just want to retire to Ireland and eat fish & chips every day, is that too much to ask?
My bank account: Yes
Due to the economy, I am handing out condiment packs I have collected from my delivery orders. 🤷🏻♂️