DR DOG: It says you’re here for a blood test. First, some questions. Number one: over the last six months who’s been a good boy?
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Did…did a minotaur write this
I can explain a lot of things in Manchester but I can’t explain this 😭
It never fricken fails; I wash my car, and the very next day, I hit a pedestrian.
Put granola in your yogurt, because who doesn’t like eating tiny rocks on purpose?
[pointing to a gravestone]
I’ll have what HE’S having!
Ian: It’s done.
Mafia boss: Did you go anywhere nice?
I: What?
MB: Like a restaurant.
I: I killed him.
MB: I said take him out! Oh god, Tim!
If you stand by and watch someone wreck their life, you’re part of the problem
And yet we all still go to weddings for the open bar
The average human now spends 1.5 years of their life waiting for dumb post-credits scenes.
ME: Hey buddy, your dog left a little ‘present’ on my lawn
GUY: Huh?
ME: *points to tiny, nicely wrapped gift* Thank him for me, willya?
I’m not saying one of my kids is “more difficult” than the others, but so far my oldest wants a remote control car for Christmas, the youngest wants a stuffed unicorn, and the middle one has requested a dinosaur egg so he can raise and train his own velociraptor from birth.
Where do cicadas go when they’re not screaming? I’d like to go there and scream.
They should punish kids who do well in school with more homework to prepare them for what happens to people who are efficient at their jobs.
Whoever made this compilation of Mel Blanc screaming in different cartoons is a saint.
Those a-hole guys on “Teen Mom” don’t think being a dad is “cool.” Well check me out #Responsibility never looked so “swag! ” lol
GF: I think I’m gunna start a Twitter account
Me: *whips head around* I’ll help you set it up!
*Grabs GF’s phone and hurls it into the Sun*
*falls down*
Mom: What was that?
Me: My shirt fell
Mom: It sounded much heavier than a shirt
Me: I was in it
And now for my next trick, I’ll turn your root canal into a ski vacation
Me: what?
My dentist: what?
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
If she thinks Simon and Garfunkel are the names of your lawyers, she may be too young for you bro.
Trying to explain to H that when the doctor said he can have one red wine a day, he didn’t mean bottle.
Cars these days have so many sensors and rear cameras you gotta work extra hard to run someone over
They say a mind is a terrible thing to waste. You have nothing to worry about.
Me-Did you know blinking is how cats say I love you?
*blinks profusely at cashier*
Cashier-Your fries, ma’am. Just please take your fries.
My pharmacists won’t return my calls anymore *snotty cries* something about no more refills. Quick someone sneeze on me! I’m lonely.
My son went into a bank 5 mins ago and I’m waiting in the car. Now I’m hearing sirens in the distance and I’m hoping I’m not a getaway car.
Dentist: You grind at night.
Me: Oh, game recognize game.
I like to send little notes in my kid’s lunchbox, like “Sorry the Wheat Thins are stale, that’s what happens when you leave the box open.”
Me: What are you going to wear on the first day of school?
9-year-old: My coolest shirt.
Me: What about the second day?
9: My coolest shirt again.
I’m going to be doing a lot of laundry.
Everyone who’s ever dated me knows one thing: fire is my weakness. Set my body on fire and it will cause great damage.
One of the most effective forms of birth control is assembling furniture together as a couple.