Even on your worst days, an identity thief wants to be you more than you want to be yourself and that’s beautiful
You Might Also Like
Spa services are relaxing, paying for them is not.
I’d run a marathon but I don’t know if I can handle the commitment. I mean a lifetime of telling every person you meet you ran a marathon?
maybe less RPGs would be about killing god if gods stopped playing absolutely banging tunes whenever someone tries to kill them
Stop telling me to drink water. I’m a full grown dehydrated adult.
If you poop your pants while fishing, is it still called a boating accident? And can you claim it against insurance?
Yet again my date made me get out of his car before we’d even had dinner. Uber is the worst dating app ever.
How many zombies would Rob Zombie rob if Rob Zombie could rob zombies?
It’s taking this nurse 20 minutes to get my chart ready for the doctor, every few minutes she asks which hand is numb again.
Me: *hears a stealthy footstep in the hallway*
Me: “This is your third time up. Go back to bed.”
7yo: *frantically* “Wait — wait Daddy –”
Me: “Whatever it is, tell me in the morning.”
7yo: *gasp* “IfYouWereADolphinYou’dBeDeadAlready
BecauseDolphinsOnlyLiveThirtyYears.”
*sips iced coffee*
man I’ve been feeling so anxious lately
*has another iced coffee*
I wonder why I had that panic attack the other night
*chugs redbull*
my social anxiety has been a waking nightmare
*takes a bath in cold brew and espresso with a 5 hour energy face mask*
Still can’t quite believe the World Health Organisation framed Roger Rabbit
[I dont get invited to a party]
me: shit
[I get invited to a party]
me: Shit.
We’re just a typical family. My wife is in the kitchen baking her secret recipe cupcakes and my sons are outside lighting the shed on fire.
If I lived in England I would approach my boss on payday and say “pound me.”
Pregnancy tests make me wish peeing on things answered more questions.
doctor: we’ve had your results back
me: what’s it look like
doctor: a piece of paper with numbers on
This one time, I got kicked out of the audience of “Cats” on Broadway for bringing a laser pointer.
Can you guys make me famous? I’m tired of being a meaningful contributor to society.
*walks up to girl working on her laptop in a cafe*
So you into computers?
Opened the bathroom cupboard and a bunch of feminine hygiene products fell out on me.
It was a tampede.
I once spent some time with my grandson’s second grade class so I think I have a pretty good idea of how government works.
[intently gazing out the window for my sandwich delivery guy like a widowed sailor’s wife longingly staring at the sea]
I fear one day my gf will figure out every romantic thing I say to her is a line from Brokeback Mountain.
Crazy to think back before camera phones we all used to sit in front of bathroom mirrors with sketch pads.
I was 14, my dad caught me drinking. ‘Dad, that’s the first time’
‘That’s a lie, no one ever gets caught the first time.’
So I robbed a bank
cop: I pulled you over for playing ’WAP’ at full volume
me: is there a law against it?
cop: not really, but you’re driving a hearse in a funeral procession
If you can’t handle me at what you have mistakenly assumed is my worst, then prepare to be unpleasantly surprised in the immediate future.
I watched my wife listen to our youngest son describe how another boy was mean to him and saw her explain to him how to deal with it peaceably while plotting in her head a murderous rampage of the boy’s entire family.
What idiot called it Black Friday and not Welcome to the Jingle