the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care most about
batman [through gritted teeth]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what
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PSA: wild animals do not know to look away from the eclipse. Bring all them inside during it. Birds, raccoons, fox..all of em
If your jokes are corny I’m all ears.
[pulling the casket a few inches away from the wall during a funeral]
sorry just need to plug in my phone for a minute
I just heard an economist say she believes a lot of people have “pent up savings” from the pandemic like she’s never heard of Amazon.
My son had a meltdown because his sister accidentally stepped on his piece of popcorn shaped “perfectly like an octopus” and he was saving it for “his collection.” I don’t know about this collection. I don’t want to know about this collection.
It’s hard to tell because most pictures are in black and white, but Abraham Lincoln’s hat was actually a nice mauve.
mental gymnastics are fine if you can stick the landing
In six days god created heaven and earth. On the seventh day, in the interests of balance, the bbc interviewed satan.
[physicist excited about a misprinted real estate flyer]
“Honey, check this out! Four mathrooms!”
Not too proud of the sounds I just made when a mouse popped out of a bag I grabbed in the garage.
Looking for a get well soon card but they’re all so inspirational and sappy why not something simple like “I hope you make it through this but if not say what’s up to god for me”
Instead of premarital counseling, engaged couples should be required to do a premarital home renovation project.
This laundry pile is so big that I might just put a little flag on top.
Laying down some rules for my surfer gf… when she tells her friends why I won’t go in the water I want her to explain that I’m scared of the size of the ocean, and not just say “He’s scared” without elaborating
ME: *walks by to put anything away*
WIFE: [not even looking up from her phone] that doesn’t go there
Every time my phone rings tomorrow I’m going to answer it with “911, what’s your emergency?”
Toy designer: a remote control car that’s rechargeable!
Executive: But how will we still make this awkward for parents who buy them for their kids?
TD: oh.. we’ll just make it so you still need batteries for the controller
[After Big Jewel Heist]
“We did it! We got away! Everything went to plan”
ME(holding my grappling hook I didn’t get to use): Yea it was ok
Nobody suspects that you’re digging a grave when you’re always working on your landscape.
If anyone’s looking to join a pyramid scheme, hit me up and I’ll connect you with all the girls I went to high school with via facebook.
Strength training is a great form of anger management cause I can’t scream and yell when I have an injured back!
Don’t date men who will hold open a door for you. Date men who will punch a squirrel in the face for chittering it’s teeth at you.
I know it’s dying but it’s difficult for me to let go of this app. I met my wife through Twitter. Who knows what other wives I could meet? Maybe even my second wife.
I’ve been dieting for a little over a week and I already gained three pounds.
Today I got yelled at by a bird. I don’t even speak bird.
Saw a woman on a dating site who says she’s looking for God. I’m thinking she’s not His type.
I lost my voice so basically I’m every mans dream girl right now.
Me [sobbing uncontrollably]: why did you say that?
My favorite meteorologist: I honestly thought it would be a nice da—
Me: I WORE SHORTS BECAUSE OF YOU!!!
Me: If there was a fire and you could only save me or the cat, who would you save?
Her:
Me:
Her: I feel like you’ve had a good run.
Automated text response: Please allow 7-10 business days for a response, longer if I don’t like you.