[trying to make it work with this really good looking girl that I have nothing in common with] ok what’s your 12th favourite juice?
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“Donald Trump is feuding with the Pope” is like the 7th Onion headline that’s become real life in this election season
Make sure you tip your exorcist or else you can get repossessed.
People laugh cos I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?
Cookie Monster first year: Cookie Rookie
Cookie Monster skip school: Cookie Hookie
Cookie Monster be sad: Cookie Sookie
Cookie Monster has a poo: Cookie Dookie
Cookie Monster does a sex: Cookie Nookie
ALEX TREBEK: well that’s important work you’re doing; the orphanage probably loves you
CONTESTANT: thank you
ME, SWEATING:
TREBEK: Matt, from new york, it says here you once got your hand stuck in a sink, tell us about that
[walks date home]
HER: Wanna come up for a nightcap?
ME: I gotta work early
HER: I have 2 dogs
ME:[already running up stairs like Rocky]
Social distancing in Australia:
My crazy neighbor claims she was robbed last night. I know she is crazy because I found all her medication as I was breaking into her house.
I talk a lot of smack for someone who believes the plane will tip over if you stand up midflight.
With plastic being banned, Starbucks is running out of things to put drinks in. A year from now they’re gonna scream my name and I’ll have to drink my caramel iced latte straight from the barista’s cupped hands while another employee strokes my head like a scared horse
Putting my Christmas decorations on the house across the street so I can, you know, see them.
in movies the saddest thing a single woman can do is eat a microwave dinner, but a true rock bottom is eating a hot dog with normal bread as a bun…studios are too scared of that reality
OH YEAHHHH WHO’S THE FAILURE NOW, PARENTS?!
“@funTweeters: @River_Niles Your tweet was published in “
If you’ve figured out one woman then you’ve figured out one woman
My toddler just tried to change the channel with a chicken finger and since I had the remote in my hand I totally let him think it worked.
I started running today. Also, there is a new mean dog in the neighborhood that interrupted my walk today.
The news in a nutshell.
My daughter acts like she’s on the police hostage negotiation team anytime me or her mother goes to the bathroom & shuts the door.
ME: We live in an uncaring universe void of meaning and purpose.
WIFE: I understand, but you’re still folding all this laundry.
My favourite school memory?
Once during sex ed the teacher said ‘some of you won’t ever need to know this’ and everyone turned to look at me
My doctor said I need to lose weight so I have to cut carbs. Or get a new doctor. whatever is easiest.
If you pronounce “shoes” like “toes”, you end up saying “shows”, but if you pronounce “toes” like “shoes” you end up saying “twos”.
And other thoughts about the English language that keep me up at night
Cops are raiding Justin Bieber’s house looking for eggs. Seriously. Eggs. I can’t make this shit up. This is why other countries hate us.
i would never put up a lost dog poster. im not letting the whole neighborhood know i fumbled
Sir, the children at the petting zoo are unhappy. They think our animals are lame
*stares off into distance*
We’re gonna need a bigger goat
2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say
If an animal kills me in the wild, please take its picture with my body
There is a time and a place for accosting people with baguettes (2 p.m., Whole Foods).
I always have a cheap bottle of wine in the house in case any family visit.
You ever look in the mirror suddenly and think
“Damn who yelled Bloody Mary”?