if anne hathaway doesnt say anne hatharrived every time she walks into a room she’s wasting a great opportunity
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My mom would probably complain in my funeral about how somebody’s son died better
They also CAN sing✌️
*84th flr*
CW: You look sad, can I cheer you up?
M: Heard Van Halen’s “Jump”?
CW: Sure!
Me: Jump out that window and sing it on the way down
I don’t cook, I more so… Dabble in the kitchen 😏
– me flirting
Sesame Street didn’t prepare me for any of this bullshit.
Ok I just need to think like a 39-year-old
-my 6yo, trying to find the Halloween candy I hid
Only 4 beers left in house. Time to find new house.
Maybe Hitler started WWII after being constantly attacked by time travelers.
Every time I see a jogger that looks like they’re just about to pass out from running I always think, “Do they know they don’t need to be jogging?”
Ancient Man “let’s form a partnership”
Wolves “I dunno. We saw what you do to cows”
Man “Haha, you can trust us” *hides sketch of chihuahua*
The worst thing about kissing the person who loves you the most is when you bang your teeth off the mirror
[first date]
HER: I like classic cars
ME: ugh do not get me started on the sequels
*Wife screams*
“THERES A RACCOON IN THE HOUSE. GET IT OUT”
*I approach, raccoon cracks it’s knuckles. I turn around*
“It’s his house now”
In a movie, whenever someone gets fired they never have two boxes of belongings.
When are they going to drug test the audience of “The Price Is Right.”? No one should be that happy.
You don’t know humility until your Ouija board gets snippy with you.
[on my deathbed] everyone’s in here, why are the lights on in the living room?
I admit I’m not very handy, but there are many other areas in which I also do not excel.
MyFitnessPal told me my beer has a lot of vitamin C so I guess I can begin my descent into full blown alcoholism.
*walks up to girl working on her laptop in a cafe*
So you into computers?
*First Date*
Her: I was worried you might be a convicted serial killer. LOL
Me; HaHa, LOL. No, I was never convicted.
As a dad it’s your duty to ask “how were the roads?” within fifteen minutes of a visitors arrival
Even when I change my mind, it still doesn’t work any better.😁
horror movie
– but it’s just her throwing on the hallmark channel after handcuffing me to the bedposts
me looking at the supermarket camera after eating a grape
Every woman says she wants to be treated like a princess, until you try to marry her off to your most powerful ally.
sometimes my cat will figure out i’m gearing up to leave the house and block the door just before i go to leave, yelling and rolling around, but she never does it when i’m trying to leave for work which tells me one thing: capitalism got her too
Sorry baby I can’t open the car door for you you have to jump through the window. There’s a price to pay for being cool.
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
In an effort to drink more water, I started taking a sip of water every time one of my kids yells MOM. So far I’m at 7 gallons.