50 Shades of Letting People on the Train Know You’re Not Getting Laid
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Why is the word prolific only used to describe serial killers. You never hear anyone say “He was the most prolific donut maker you’ve ever seen.”
Why isn’t Spiderman’s greatest enemy named Shoeman?
Seems like an opportune time to resurface my favorite interview moment
If I learned anything from Aladdin it was that if u just keep lying to a girl eventually u will get to marry her and live at her dad’s house
i’ve dated so many tools i could open a home depot
My daughter has a lovebird and we’ve never gotten them sexed b/c it doesn’t matter and ppl were seriously like “but then how will you know what to name it????”
My kid was like “uh their name is Toast”
I like how Alexander Graham Bell invented phones, crackers, and ringers.
Using self-checkout lane so I don’t have to interact with anyone.
Scans first item.
Register: … “Please wait for assistance.”
If you’re bringing an acoustic guitar camping it will be used as firewood.
You should always read labels. I was about to eat this rat poison but then saw it has gluten in it. I could have died,
“I hate being single,” she lied, lounging in her king-sized bed all to herself
*writing a new season for Game of Thrones* okay now let’s do a silly one
NETFLIX: Are you still watching?
Me: I’m trying, but you won’t let me use my neighbor’s sister’s ex-boyfriend’s password.
*scrolls ur TL*
*finds ur tweet from 2 yrs ago.*
*eerily similar to mine from day before*“She stole my tweet AND built a time machine?!”
The carwash is a great place to meet other millionaires who for some reason don’t have garden hoses.
[highspeed chase]
ANCIENT GREEK COP: Damn they’re getting away *turns on Siren*
[several nearby ships are lured to their doom]
My super power is getting offended when someone tells me to write something down so I don’t forget it, then forgetting it 5 seconds later.
Me: When the edibles kick in
Everyone: You forgot to attach a picture or a gif
Me: Exactly
the chicken crossed the road for the same reason everyone else does— to avoid running into someone it knew
HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i get angry wrong?
HER: yes
ME: *balling toes* this is delightful
I just wish my ex could look down from heaven and see me right now, but no, the bastard is still alive.
Police officer: You get to make one phone call.
Me: Do I have to?
Cheer up! Your biggest mistake is probably still ahead of you.
The sexual tension between my tendency to do something stupid and my resolve not to.
[first date]
ME: Do you want children?
HER: Yes!
ME: Me too.
HER: That’s great!
ME: [gestures to next table] How ‘bout those?
HER: What-
ME: *whispers* Where are you parked?
Prosecutor (showing slide): Is this your Yelp review history?
Me: Yes but
Prosecutor: 26 proctologists?
Me: What you have to understand is
Prosecutor: You described this one as “pleasantly judgmental”
I hate when I order too large a portion of ribs that it tips my car over and my modern stone age family has to get back home on foot.
I think my husband is psychic!
“Honey, what do you think of this outfit?”
{from other room}
“You look great!”